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gmichael
Audioholic Spartan
Different Type of Farts I
Beefy Fart
Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart out, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Bunbuster Fart
Sounds like a Beefy Fart, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your ******* smarting. You really feel these babies.
Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and sputter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report says: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have referred to these rare creatures, so proving their existence.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present (a.k.a. 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
Silent but Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.
Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced wind breakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Windy Fart
The sort of fart, which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Worrying Fart
The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
Beefy Fart
Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart out, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Bunbuster Fart
Sounds like a Beefy Fart, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your ******* smarting. You really feel these babies.
Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and sputter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report says: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have referred to these rare creatures, so proving their existence.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present (a.k.a. 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
Silent but Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.
Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced wind breakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Windy Fart
The sort of fart, which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Worrying Fart
The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
mperfct
Audioholic Samurai
My situation is made more complex by the fact we have Aeron chairs at work, so the fart can propagate unfettered by the average seat cushion.
gmichael
Audioholic Spartan
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your *** look like "a Japanese Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
gmichael
Audioholic Spartan
Oh, Air-a-gation?
dkane360
Audioholic Field Marshall
lsiberian
Audioholic Overlord
Stop tempting us with this food. I've been watching what I eat since the beginning of the summer. Last thing I need is a slip up of this magnitude.It was fantastic!
pzaur
Audioholic Samurai
J
jamie2112
Banned
There is plenty of AH stuff going on still calm down have a beer and check in later Mids...........I got bored with all the non-audioholics threads and the fact that someone probably a moderator reduced my rep points by 22,000 (twenty-two thousand) --LOL still have full set of green chicklets.
I hope the Audioholics forums survive. There used to be a lot of good technical audio information. I am not so sure anymore
Peace,
Forest Man
P. S. And I was correct ceiling fan wobble does not depend on the electrical box = signed negative rep
P.S.S - I was willing to give out helpful information like Adam did; but, he is gone also
P.S.S. - Hi and good bye to all the great Audioholics freinds I made
dkane360
Audioholic Field Marshall
Lol, id say kidney.
pzaur
Audioholic Samurai
Davemcc
Audioholic Spartan
I've got a hankering for some poutine all of a sudden.
pzaur
Audioholic Samurai
I had to look that one up. It wasn't what I thought it was...poontang...I figured you simply misspelled it.
-pat
lsiberian
Audioholic Overlord
mmm deep fried.
lsiberian
Audioholic Overlord
I just had some ghost chile with a full blown Manipuri meal. Gotta say it's a very flavorful pepper that packs a punch while making the meal taste incredible. I ate the best ribs I've had. Ginger/bamboo shoot ribs. It really is incredible how wonderful these hot peppers taste. I don't suggest you eat it on an empty stomach though.
Alex2507
Audioholic Slumlord
There's a cable sale in Classifieds. Rick, Mike and Greg might have to arm wrestle over them.
I was showing off my system yesterday and realized my right channel was dead.
I can't even get behind the rig to look because of all the crap I have stacked in front of the system from Mantown.
Only two coats of paint to go in there. I'm contemplating skipping the accent colUor.
Silly Canadians.
Maybe I can sneak a peak with a flashlight and a mirror.
I was showing off my system yesterday and realized my right channel was dead.
I can't even get behind the rig to look because of all the crap I have stacked in front of the system from Mantown.
Only two coats of paint to go in there. I'm contemplating skipping the accent colUor.
Silly Canadians.
Maybe I can sneak a peak with a flashlight and a mirror.
haraldo
Audioholic Warlord
My condolances Alex.... YES It's genuine, really sorry to do a showoff just to realize there's only one channel.....There's a cable sale in Classifieds. Rick, Mike and Greg might have to arm wrestle over them.
I was showing off my system yesterday and realized my right channel was dead.
I can't even get behind the rig to look because of all the crap I have stacked in front of the system from Mantown.
Only two coats of paint to go in there. I'm contemplating skipping the accent colUor.
Silly Canadians.
Maybe I can sneak a peak with a flashlight and a mirror.
Now with only one channel, perhaps you should look into this, to get more power to compensate for the lack of sound from right channel
They're only $400k per pair but since you only need one it's a bargain at $200k
mperfct
Audioholic Samurai
If you have a recipe for the ribs, I'll take it.
Alex2507
Audioholic Slumlord
When a $150 Primus quits on ya it's like loosing a $4,000 speaker.
haraldo
Audioholic Warlord
It's just part of your recovery process.....When a $150 Primus quits on ya it's like loosing a $4,000 speaker.
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