Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[John Parks]

 

[Gmoney]

Here's a great one from MacManNM.

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here
in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Lmao! better to pay the Toll than to pay the price with your Soul.

 

[Gmoney]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Gmoney]

Nana Nana boo-boo!

 

[Gmoney]

Look! Bunch of Coronavirus victims! All running around in Chaos Organized but still chaos!

 

[cornemuse]

Pavlov, (yeah, that one), walks in a bar & orders a beer. The pay phone on the wall rings, Pavlov jumps up & shouts: "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

 

[VMPS-TIII]

 

[Verdinut]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly . "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four.
You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law!"
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over.
I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Fiat Uno."

 

[panteragstk]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly . "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four.
You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law!"
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over.
I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Fiat Uno."

I can't believe I laughed at that.

 

[Verdinut]

I can't believe I laughed at that.

And you're allowed six in the Audi A6.

 

[Dan]

The European definitions of heaven and hell:

Heaven is where:
The police are British
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The lovers are Italian
and it's all organized by the Swiss

Hell is where:
The cooks are British
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized by the Italians!

 

[Dan]

I would like to give a shout out to Verdinut who has kept this thread going sometimes single handedly to give us laughs during these tough times.

 

[VMPS-TIII]

 

[Verdinut]

THE PRICE OF THE MEAL AT THE RESTAURANT:

On his marketing trip, a sales manager after signing a wonderful paying contract, decides to go and eat in an expensive chic restaurant.
He enters an Alsacian Inn with a sympathetic look.
After tasting a 20 year old whiskey, he composes his menu: - A Crayfish Salad
- An Alaska Shrimp plate
- Foie Gras
- Lobster
- Black Forest Cake----------------All Accompanied with a bottle of Pinot Noir
And a Poire William spirit to conclude his meal.



And when he receives the bill, he reads a total of 3 Euros 50 cents! He says: "You're sure there's no mistake?"

Un whisky : 30 cents,
Une salade de langouste : 50 cents,
Un foie gras : 50 cents,
Un homard : 70 cents,
Un plat de crevettes : 20 cents,
Un pinot noir : 60 cents,
Une vieille poire : 20 cents,
Une forêt noire : 50 cents,

Total : 3 euros 50 cents...

There's no mistake, the price is right!

I will explain, I'm just an employee here and the boss as usual is not here!

He's fucking my wife, so I truck up the prices! We'll see who's going to stop first!

 

[William Lemmerhirt]

Ok. Old red Skelton joke...
Old drunk black man stumbles into a bar. Says bartender!!! A truck come by, knocked my “thing” clean off!
Bartender says, dummy, ain’t no truck come by n knock ya thing off.
Drunk says , yeah! I got it here in my pocket. Reaches into his pocket, retrieves something and SLAMS his hand down in the bar. Says SEE!
Bartender says, dummy, that ainch yo thang, that’s an ol seegar(cigar).
Drunk says...wrong pocket.....!
Reaches into his other pocket. Retrieves something, and SLAMS his hand down on the bar, and says SEE!!! Right there it is.
Bartender says, dummy! Ainch yo thang, that’s an ol seegar.
Ol drunk lights right up! And says...

Oh mah God!!! Ah smoked mah dikk!!!!!

 

[MR.MAGOO]

another old Red Skelton joke:
"The president has just declared war on poverty. So I threw a rock at a bum"

 

[cornemuse]

Ooh! Ethnic jokes!
A three story apartment, top floor lives a german, 2nd floor lives a greek, 1st floor lives an italian. Big fire burns the apartment down.
Who survived?

The german, he was at work!

 

[Verdinut]

another old Red Skelton joke:
"The president has just declared war on poverty. So I threw a rock at a bum"

That sounds coherent with the current one.

 

[Verdinut]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."