Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
EMOTIONS
She lay back allowing her shapely body to relax for a moment. He had put it back time and time again hoping she wouldn't notice it.
It was what she always wanted, but now that this time was here, she was afraid. She knew he was experienced but it was her first time. He promised to be gentle. His hands moved slowly in the spot as she relaxed. She then saw the object in his hands. Her knees were trembling with fear. He was as gentle as he had promised to be. She opened up wide to give him more room. A thrill went up her spine. Take it out! Take it out! she cried. But he said: "Only a few more minutes and it will be all out" He went further and further in. Then at last, it was all over. She took a deep breath. Her tooth was out at last.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A SECOND SERMON AND HOLY MASS

A new priest at his first mass was so scared that he couldn't easily speak. After his sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he'd done. The Monsignor said: “Fine, my son, but next week, put a little Vodka or Gin in your water to relax you.”

The following week, the young priest did put a little Vodka in his water and he really kicked up a storm. After Mass, he asked the Monsignor again, how he had done....
The Monsignor said: “Fine, but here are some things that you should get straight.........
  1. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
  2. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
  3. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the poop out of him...
  4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  5. And next Sunday, there is a Taffy Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter Pulling Contest at St,Taffy's.
  6. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are not referred to as: Big Daddy, Junior, and Spook....
 
Out-Of-Phase

Out-Of-Phase

Audioholic General
Question: What is so ironic about Atheists?
Answer: They're always talking about God.

Question: Did you hear about the the evangelical atheist?
Answer: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
THE ITALIAN WHO VISITS AN AMERICAN CITY (MUST BE READ WITH ITALIAN ACCENT)

One day ima go to bigga hotel. Inna morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella da waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella er I wanna two piss. She say go to da toilet I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna da plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know da lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later, I go out to eat at da big restaurant. Da waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She tells me everyone wanna fock. I tell er you no understand. I wanna fock on da table. She say you better no fock on da table, you sonna ma bitch.

So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call da manager and tella him I wanna shiit. He tell me go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shiit onna da bed. He say you better no shiit onna da bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the check out anna da man at da desk say "Peace to you". I say piss onna you too sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
NOTICE FROM THE GENERAL SURGEON TO A PATIENT:

Dear Mr JOHN SMITH,

Please be advised that your opthorectomy operation is scheduled for 9:00 AM next Wednesday. The purpose of this delicate operation is to sever the cord which connects your eyes to your rectum, and hopefully get rid of your shitty outlook on life.

Yours sincerely,
J. A. Grabas MD
 
killdozzer

killdozzer

Audioholic Samurai
- Doctor, doctor!! What are the results? C'mon, I'm dying to know!
- No, you're just dying.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes." . . .

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
 
Kvn_Walker

Kvn_Walker

Audioholic General
(with apologies to GMoney)

A man sits at the bar.
Bartender asks "what'll it be, friend?"
The man replies "A Corona and 2 Hurricanes."
Bartender brings him his drinks. "That'll be $20.20"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
The Rude Parrot​

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"​
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Spartan
The Rude Parrot​
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"​
Old, but good
 

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