Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.... and it goes like this:


What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K: 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E: 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But: A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E: 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T: 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G: 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while HARD WORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that will get you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula.........
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
JUST ONE MORE TIME!

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Ninja
A female janitor invited me to her apartment to smoke weed. I declined.

I avoid high maintenance women.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
THE KIND LAWYER

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"​

 
Gmoney

Gmoney

Audioholic Field Marshall
Every American will get a 1000 dollar check in a few weeks
Free! Free! Free!
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
My uncle just came home from China. He was eating a granola bar and he sneezed. Pieces of granola came out of his nose and mouth.

I think he has the granola virus.
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
LEMON DROPS:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."
 
T

TankTop5

Senior Audioholic
Guess social distancing just won't work for some folks.

So I just went to a Walgreens for something. While I’m in the aisle looking this person comes up behind me and starts TAPPING me on my shoulder ignoring all social distancing rules. I obviously tried ignoring them (but admittedly I'm thinking "seriously?"). They just kept tapping and tapping and then......THIS is where it got very interesting....
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
ON A LONELY ISLAND:

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja






A little boy and a priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Grandfather has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said.
'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
 
Pogre

Pogre

Audioholic Warlord
Has anyone ever noticed when you flip the Bulls' logo upside down...

Screenshot_2020-04-18-07-23-16-2.png


It looks like a robot is violating a crab..?

2020-04-18 07.25.59.png


It cannot be unseen...
 
Pogre

Pogre

Audioholic Warlord
Oh man, I got sucked into a Mitch Hedberg rabbit hole...

I went to the Dr and all he did was suck blood out of my neck. DO NOT go to Dr acula...

When I was a boy I'd lay in my twin size bed and wonder where my brother was...

I wake up in the morning and make a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don't do anything for an hour. Makes you wonder why I needed the instant.
I coulda made regular oatmeal and felt more productive...

I got a parrot that talked, but it didn't say "I'm hungry" so it died...

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that...
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Ninja
Oh man, I got sucked into a Mitch Hedberg rabbit hole...

I went to the Dr and all he did was suck blood out of my neck. DO NOT go to Dr acula...

When I was a boy I'd lay in my twin size bed and wonder where my brother was...

I wake up in the morning and make a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don't do anything for an hour. Makes you wonder why I needed the instant.
I coulda made regular oatmeal and felt more productive...

I got a parrot that talked, but it didn't say "I'm hungry" so it died...

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that...
One of my favorite Mitch jokes.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"​

 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
LEGAL SIGHT

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
 

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