Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.... and it goes like this:


What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K: 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E: 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But: A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E: 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T: 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G: 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while HARD WORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that will get you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Have you ever seen a better explanation than this formula.........
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
JUST ONE MORE TIME!

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Ninja
A female janitor invited me to her apartment to smoke weed. I declined.

I avoid high maintenance women.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
THE KIND LAWYER

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"​

 
Gmoney

Gmoney

Audioholic Chief
Every American will get a 1000 dollar check in a few weeks
Free! Free! Free!
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
My uncle just came home from China. He was eating a granola bar and he sneezed. Pieces of granola came out of his nose and mouth.

I think he has the granola virus.
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
LEMON DROPS:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."
 
T

TankTop5

Senior Audioholic
Guess social distancing just won't work for some folks.

So I just went to a Walgreens for something. While I’m in the aisle looking this person comes up behind me and starts TAPPING me on my shoulder ignoring all social distancing rules. I obviously tried ignoring them (but admittedly I'm thinking "seriously?"). They just kept tapping and tapping and then......THIS is where it got very interesting....
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
 

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