Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

cornemuse

cornemuse

Junior Audioholic
Guy with a parrot on his shoulder goes into a bar & orders a beer, barkeep draws one & brings to him. Barkeep sez 'Thats really neat! Where'd you get it?" Parrot sez "Ireland, they're all over the place!"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
 
M

Mpsafranski

Audioholic
This thread from another site...certainly belongs in the “joke” forum. @gene has the temerity to bring up science, not want folks who may not know better to get ripped off spending thousands on fancy cables, so the conclusion is he just “can’t hear”.

one guy refers to him as the Alcoholic. Very clever.

 
Old Onkyo

Old Onkyo

Senior Audioholic
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."
Clean up on aisle 3!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR:

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "

I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the Future's full of sh*t."
 
lovinthehd

lovinthehd

Seriously, I have no life.
This thread from another site...certainly belongs in the “joke” forum. @gene has the temerity to bring up science, not want folks who may not know better to get ripped off spending thousands on fancy cables, so the conclusion is he just “can’t hear”.

one guy refers to him as the Alcoholic. Very clever.

I crack up pretty much anytime I read a forum entry on Audiogone....what a bunch of loons hang out there!
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Ninja
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son . The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. "Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "

I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the Future's full of sh*t."
Sadly with the way things are working now, capitalism, working class, and gov would have been having a threesome...and gov would be a dude so working class would be getting double teamed.

That felt weird to type...
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
 
Pogre

Pogre

Audioholic Warlord
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
 
Billy106

Billy106

Audiophyte
There's a plane with 5 passengers on board: Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Pope Francis, Angela Merkel, and a 10-year-old schoolboy.

The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump says: "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the world and am needed to make America great again." He takes one and jumps.

Johnson says, "I’m needed to sort out Britain." He takes one and jumps.

The Pope says, "I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church." He takes one and jumps.

Merkel says to the 10-year old boy: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting.”



The 10-year-old replies: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the world took my back pack.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.? So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A man owned a small ranch. The State's Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher
 

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