Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Spartan
Corny Dad joke:

Dad: "Did you hear about the new movie about the lady that was anti-vaxx?"

Me: *audible eye roll "no"

Dad: "yeah, it's called Mrs. Doubtpfizer"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS."

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."​

 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Spartan
I remember reading that Sean Bean dies in everything he appears in because it's the universe's way of balancing out the fact that his name doesn't rhyme.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.'

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.' An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.'

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
What happens when you accidentally drop you Viagra on your clock?

Your gonna have a hard time...
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."​

 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
A popular radio announcer, back in the 1940s, was doing 'Man In The Street' interviews, asking people if they knew any 'knock-knock' jokes.

He came upon a drunk. He wasn't sure the guy was sober enough for this, but he asked him anyway: "Sir, we're doing knock-knock jokes today... do you know any knock-knock jokes?"

"Yeah, I know one, " said the drunk. " Knock-knock."

"Who's there?" said the announcer.

"Argo."

"Argo who?"

"Argo duck yourself."

The announcer almost went into cardiac arrest. In the 1940s, OBSCENITIES were strictly forbidden on the air.

He knew he was in trouble. And he was right - - the station immediately fired him!

For 20 years he tried getting back into Radio, but no station would hire him. Finally one day, a new station decided to give him a chance.

And again, he soon found himself back on the street, interviewing people, just like before.

But he wasn't afraid. This time he was prepared. During those 20 years, he'd learned EVERY knock-knock joke in existence, so he was certain that nothing like that could ever happen again.

Strangely, he once again came across the same drunk. He was about to walk away when the drunk yelled, "Hey! Ya wanna hear a knock-knock joke?"

The announcer hesitated, but he decided there was nothing to be afraid of. "Sure," he said.

"Knock-knock. "

"Who's there?"

"Harry."

The announcer raced thru his mind, going over every knock-knock joke he'd ever heard. He'd never heard one with "Harry."

Finally, he decided it was safe. "Harry who?"

"Argo duck yourself!"


(And now you know something that very few people know... why in the movie "Argo," they said ARGO DUCK YOURSELF so often, but never explained why. It was all based on that old joke.)
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
 
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