Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

"Perhaps you didn't notice, sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
A lawyer once asked an accountant, so you're a good accountant right? What's 2+2?

The accountant quickly and confidently said 4.

Now the lawyer is talking to another accountant and asks, so you're a better accountant than the first, right? What's 2+2?

The second accountant looks for a moment, pauses, and then asks, "what do you want it to be?"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.​

 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"​

 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Pretty much fits the current state of those calls we get each day.

View attachment 48220
Another spammer called me today about an extended warranty: I waited to speak with the agent and said that I have a 1965 Aston Martin DB5. She said thanks, that's all the info they needed, and hung up. :D
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?"

The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
 
davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
2. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had an accident and were killed.

Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St.Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, " If things don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
The doctor gave me 6 months.

I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years.

Problem resolved!
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says: "Ya know, I'd herd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
 

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