Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed it help can train any pet to do just about anything its owner wants. Even though it sounded too good to be true, Joe gave it a try.

The pet shop was very weird. Inside, half the shop was full of bones and dog treats. The other half of the shop was full of dildos, sex toys, and lubricant. It seemed the shop sold both. In the middle, behind the register, was a pleasant-looking man holding an old leather book.

Joe asked if the man could help house train his dog.

“Sure can,” he said. “See, this here is a magical book. I can rent it out to you. All you do is read the first page to your dog. And then the book gives your dog whatever he wants in order for him to do whatever you’re trying to train him to do. Works just about every time. Just bring it back here when you’re done. Oh, and make sure you have plenty of space.”

Joe thanked the man and rented the book. A few days later he comes back with the old leather book in hand.

“Well, my dog is house trained now,” said Joe. “Only problem is my house is filled top to bottom with steaks. Thousands and thousands of steaks. What the hell am I supposed to do with all that meat?”

“Do the same thing I did,” said the shopkeeper. “Open a business. My dog wanted more treats than he could ever possibly eat. And it turns out my cat wanted me to go duck myself.”
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A DOG NAMED SEX

You know that everybody who has a male dog calls him either Rover or Boy. To be different, I called mine Sex. I found out to my surprise that this was an embarrassing name. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that damn dog. A cop came up to me and said: “What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?” I said: “I'm looking for Sex”. My court case comes up next Thursday.

I went to City Hall to get him a licence and told the clerk that I would like to have a licence for Sex. He said: “I would like to have one too”. Then I said : “But this is a dog”, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. When I said: “You do not understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old”. He replied; “You must have been a very strong baby”.

My wife and I separated and we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said: “Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married”. The judge said: “Me too!”. I told the judge that after I was married, Sex left me”. The judge said: ”Me too”. I explained that I had Sex on TV and he called me a showoff. When I told him it was a contest, he asked me if I sold tickets. I tried to explain about the time when my wife and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog with us. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the motel was for sex. I said: ”You do not understand, Sex keeps me awake all night!” The clerk said:”Me too”.

I give up. The next dog I own will be named Rover or Boy!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
The Lady tells her lady friend: "My husband gave me an ultimatum. It's him or Facebook.

I have to let you go, I've got to help him do his suitcases! "
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
One of my neighbors recently told me: "I'm happy to tell you that I succeeded in assembling my IKEA dresser, all by myself, without instructions.
Finally, it's a stool! "
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Two septuagenarian men meet at a bar, and they're discussing about online meeting sites.

One asks the other: " Do you believe in sex at first date? Other one replies: "Yes of course I do. At my age, there might not be a second one!"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"​

 

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