Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed it help can train any pet to do just about anything its owner wants. Even though it sounded too good to be true, Joe gave it a try.

The pet shop was very weird. Inside, half the shop was full of bones and dog treats. The other half of the shop was full of dildos, sex toys, and lubricant. It seemed the shop sold both. In the middle, behind the register, was a pleasant-looking man holding an old leather book.

Joe asked if the man could help house train his dog.

“Sure can,” he said. “See, this here is a magical book. I can rent it out to you. All you do is read the first page to your dog. And then the book gives your dog whatever he wants in order for him to do whatever you’re trying to train him to do. Works just about every time. Just bring it back here when you’re done. Oh, and make sure you have plenty of space.”

Joe thanked the man and rented the book. A few days later he comes back with the old leather book in hand.

“Well, my dog is house trained now,” said Joe. “Only problem is my house is filled top to bottom with steaks. Thousands and thousands of steaks. What the hell am I supposed to do with all that meat?”

“Do the same thing I did,” said the shopkeeper. “Open a business. My dog wanted more treats than he could ever possibly eat. And it turns out my cat wanted me to go duck myself.”
 
Last edited:
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A DOG NAMED SEX

You know that everybody who has a male dog calls him either Rover or Boy. To be different, I called mine Sex. I found out to my surprise that this was an embarrassing name. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that damn dog. A cop came up to me and said: “What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?” I said: “I'm looking for Sex”. My court case comes up next Thursday.

I went to City Hall to get him a licence and told the clerk that I would like to have a licence for Sex. He said: “I would like to have one too”. Then I said : “But this is a dog”, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. When I said: “You do not understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old”. He replied; “You must have been a very strong baby”.

My wife and I separated and we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said: “Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married”. The judge said: “Me too!”. I told the judge that after I was married, Sex left me”. The judge said: ”Me too”. I explained that I had Sex on TV and he called me a showoff. When I told him it was a contest, he asked me if I sold tickets. I tried to explain about the time when my wife and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog with us. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the motel was for sex. I said: ”You do not understand, Sex keeps me awake all night!” The clerk said:”Me too”.

I give up. The next dog I own will be named Rover or Boy!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
The Lady tells her lady friend: "My husband gave me an ultimatum. It's him or Facebook.

I have to let you go, I've got to help him do his suitcases! "
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
One of my neighbors recently told me: "I'm happy to tell you that I succeeded in assembling my IKEA dresser, all by myself, without instructions.
Finally, it's a stool! "
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Two septuagenarian men meet at a bar, and they're discussing about online meeting sites.

One asks the other: " Do you believe in sex at first date? Other one replies: "Yes of course I do. At my age, there might not be a second one!"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner. "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"​

 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful woman

Then she noticed me, so we went for a run
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
1454569253128874747.jpeg


Enrages that in the modern world you need to understand everything. You decided to buy, say, a bicycle. Visited sites selling bikes. With the help of Wikipedia, among dozens of categories, you found the type that you need (cruise? City? Track? What do you want from me ?!). Having scrolled through ten pages of the Yandex market, I looked at an inexpensive beautiful bike in a more or less respected store, but it bothers you that the same one is displayed next to it, but 10k cheaper. I wonder why? You compare the two models and you find the difference - one has a front bushing made of steel, and the other has a titanium alloy (and the other does not have a bottle holder). It's high time to ask a long-overdue question - why should I understand all this? I just want to pedal down the street!

Well, you drive in this very question - what is the difference between the titanium alloy sleeve and the steel sleeve? There is a lot of everything that you do not need, but there is an interesting link - on the forum of the Faculty of Physics, two graduate students argue about why there is such a difference in price for two bushings. One argues that the matter is in weight, the second is in the durability and price of the starting material. Then the supervisor of both graduate students comes and gently notes, closing the discussion, that the question is incorrect, since there are many varieties of steel and titanium alloys, and it is incorrect to reason without specifying specific grades. What the truck? You google the manufacturers of bushings and finally find specific brands of used materials, but since the topic is closed, and there is no one to ask, you find an email of one of the graduate students and write him a letter with a question.Finally, you skip to the godforsaken sites, where varieties of steel and titanium alloys are mentioned.

You go to bed and you dream that there are two bicycles for sale in a dusty rural store - the one with white tires, a little more expensive. You wake up from a knock on the door. Two polite men in civilian clothes ask you strange questions - why are you interested in titanium alloys? Do you often visit aviation forums? What do you know about the Besovets fighter project? You say everything honestly - I choose a bike, I don't go, I don't know anything, but you yourself understand that just now I accidentally wandered into the wrong site. Visitors leave, but promise to return if they understand that you were not honest. You are very interested in what kind of fighter this is, but you are holding yourself back.

In the evening, an answer comes from a graduate student - the specified brands differ in specific strength, strength at high temperatures and other strengths, but for a bicycle hub it does not matter, because to reach the temperature at which the differences between the two hubs are noticeable, you will either have to drive along a salt lake at a speed of 800 km / h, or drive into an open-hearth furnace with the front wheel. You write a letter - thank you very much for your answer, but then why are the two bicycle hubs so different in price?

In an Internet cafe, you come in a baseball cap pulled up to your very nose, launch Thor from a flash drive and download everything that is on the request "Deesovets fighter" "in different forms. You pay in cash for the time. At home, you reinstall the system and view all the information you have collected. It turns out that the project of this fighter was closed a year ago for going beyond the budget, already TITANIC, and the workshop was disbanded and transferred to different projects. The chief aircraft designer of "Besovets" moved to the states, but mysteriously died just a couple of months later. Ambitious tasks were set before the Besovets team, but there was no information anywhere about what happened to the prototype, although it became clear that at the time of closing the project was already at the testing stage. Interesting, but you have to go to bed

The question torments you at work as well. You google the first and last name of the youngest member of the mysterious fighter development team, and your instinct doesn't let you down - on the fifth page of Google, you find him on Instagram. The profile is open, the last photo was uploaded about a year ago. It shows a smiling guy showing off a caught fish. Geotag indicates the village of Besovets in Karelia. You pack your suitcase.

The territory of the airbase is guarded, it is not possible for a civilian to get closer than ten kilometers. In google maps, the required area of the map is covered by a controllable and controllable forest. You decide to go down the river in a boat that you rent from a one-eyed local for a bottle of port. When you reach the fake Google maps area, you go ashore and, under cover of night, sneak towards the airbase. You see powerful searchlights of some towers ahead.

You sneak up to the barbed wire and through the trees you watch a strange picture - the soldiers are unloading a large container from a cargo plane. On the tail of the plane, there is a white sun in a blue square, inside a red square. The soldiers open the container, inside which are children in khaki robes with impenetrable bags over their heads. And then something happens that you never expected - in complete silence, your phone loudly signals a new letter. Rustles and a loud voice are heard nearby, ordering to leave with raised hands. You take off and run through the night forest. Trying to run in zigzags, you hear dogs barking and you see flashlights flickering. You run so long that you already start to panic - the forest does not end, the river bank is not visible, however, the pursuers seem to have lost track. You run out onto the road. The sun hasn't risen yetbut the sky is already brightening.

Legs do not walk. Lying in the bushes by the road, you hear the sound of bicycle tires on the asphalt. A woman with a basket of berries on her back drives by slowly. You catch up with her and use all your charm and persuasiveness - the car stalled in the forest, I'm going to refuel, maybe throw it up? The woman immediately agrees to throw it up. You sit on the trunk with your legs dangling and suddenly you notice that her bike has a bottle holder.

You look at what letter your presence at the barbed fence betrayed. This is a graduate student. He compared the two bikes you linked to and noticed that not only the hub materials differ, but also the countries of assembly. Despite the fact that both firms have their legal address in the Netherlands, in fact, the assembly shop of one of them is located in Taiwan. This explains the difference in price, the graduate student notes

When you reach the house, you fall exhausted on the bed, but again guests in civilian clothes. On the go, you will come up with a story about a birthday at a friend's dacha, which dragged on until the morning, but men do not even try to bring you to clean water. They are interested in why you don't have a password on your WiFi. You answer that you have just moved into the apartment and have not yet had time to put things in order. Then a third comes in and they are whispering about something in the hallway. From their conversation you can only make out the words "Cyclops" and "Blackberries". Returning, one of them nervously knocks on the knee with some papers, and then smiles, as if he is missing out on some business, and advises to set a password on the router - you never know what attacker can go online through it. Leave.

You decide that you don't really need a bicycle. He instills fear in you with countless details about which you know too little and cannot fully trust the safety of your health. Suddenly, the brakes that were assembled at the plant where two Chinese workers had recently committed suicide, but naturally did not write about it in the news, will fail. Or did the saddle end up in the store from a batch confiscated at the border, where the inspection body embarrassed the off-scale Geiger counter? Or, for example, on some unknown forum, users are discussing whether the original model of the bicycle frame is connected with an intervertebral hernia? There are so many details that among them the one that will harm your health can easily hide among them, and it is you who will be lucky to become one of the thousands of buyers who will come across it.

Walking is good too, you decide. Walk and admire the world around you. By the way, you have long wanted to buy a good semi-professional camera? It's just not very clear why two cameras with the same number of megapixels differ in price by more than two times? We need to google ...
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
G

Gmoney

Audioholic Ninja
View attachment 47656

Enrages that in the modern world you need to understand everything. You decided to buy, say, a bicycle. Visited sites selling bikes. With the help of Wikipedia, among dozens of categories, you found the type that you need (cruise? City? Track? What do you want from me ?!). Having scrolled through ten pages of the Yandex market, I looked at an inexpensive beautiful bike in a more or less respected store, but it bothers you that the same one is displayed next to it, but 10k cheaper. I wonder why? You compare the two models and you find the difference - one has a front bushing made of steel, and the other has a titanium alloy (and the other does not have a bottle holder). It's high time to ask a long-overdue question - why should I understand all this? I just want to pedal down the street!

Well, you drive in this very question - what is the difference between the titanium alloy sleeve and the steel sleeve? There is a lot of everything that you do not need, but there is an interesting link - on the forum of the Faculty of Physics, two graduate students argue about why there is such a difference in price for two bushings. One argues that the matter is in weight, the second is in the durability and price of the starting material. Then the supervisor of both graduate students comes and gently notes, closing the discussion, that the question is incorrect, since there are many varieties of steel and titanium alloys, and it is incorrect to reason without specifying specific grades. What the truck? You google the manufacturers of bushings and finally find specific brands of used materials, but since the topic is closed, and there is no one to ask, you find an email of one of the graduate students and write him a letter with a question.Finally, you skip to the godforsaken sites, where varieties of steel and titanium alloys are mentioned.

You go to bed and you dream that there are two bicycles for sale in a dusty rural store - the one with white tires, a little more expensive. You wake up from a knock on the door. Two polite men in civilian clothes ask you strange questions - why are you interested in titanium alloys? Do you often visit aviation forums? What do you know about the Besovets fighter project? You say everything honestly - I choose a bike, I don't go, I don't know anything, but you yourself understand that just now I accidentally wandered into the wrong site. Visitors leave, but promise to return if they understand that you were not honest. You are very interested in what kind of fighter this is, but you are holding yourself back.

In the evening, an answer comes from a graduate student - the specified brands differ in specific strength, strength at high temperatures and other strengths, but for a bicycle hub it does not matter, because to reach the temperature at which the differences between the two hubs are noticeable, you will either have to drive along a salt lake at a speed of 800 km / h, or drive into an open-hearth furnace with the front wheel. You write a letter - thank you very much for your answer, but then why are the two bicycle hubs so different in price?

In an Internet cafe, you come in a baseball cap pulled up to your very nose, launch Thor from a flash drive and download everything that is on the request "Deesovets fighter" "in different forms. You pay in cash for the time. At home, you reinstall the system and view all the information you have collected. It turns out that the project of this fighter was closed a year ago for going beyond the budget, already TITANIC, and the workshop was disbanded and transferred to different projects. The chief aircraft designer of "Besovets" moved to the states, but mysteriously died just a couple of months later. Ambitious tasks were set before the Besovets team, but there was no information anywhere about what happened to the prototype, although it became clear that at the time of closing the project was already at the testing stage. Interesting, but you have to go to bed

The question torments you at work as well. You google the first and last name of the youngest member of the mysterious fighter development team, and your instinct doesn't let you down - on the fifth page of Google, you find him on Instagram. The profile is open, the last photo was uploaded about a year ago. It shows a smiling guy showing off a caught fish. Geotag indicates the village of Besovets in Karelia. You pack your suitcase.

The territory of the airbase is guarded, it is not possible for a civilian to get closer than ten kilometers. In google maps, the required area of the map is covered by a controllable and controllable forest. You decide to go down the river in a boat that you rent from a one-eyed local for a bottle of port. When you reach the fake Google maps area, you go ashore and, under cover of night, sneak towards the airbase. You see powerful searchlights of some towers ahead.

You sneak up to the barbed wire and through the trees you watch a strange picture - the soldiers are unloading a large container from a cargo plane. On the tail of the plane, there is a white sun in a blue square, inside a red square. The soldiers open the container, inside which are children in khaki robes with impenetrable bags over their heads. And then something happens that you never expected - in complete silence, your phone loudly signals a new letter. Rustles and a loud voice are heard nearby, ordering to leave with raised hands. You take off and run through the night forest. Trying to run in zigzags, you hear dogs barking and you see flashlights flickering. You run so long that you already start to panic - the forest does not end, the river bank is not visible, however, the pursuers seem to have lost track. You run out onto the road. The sun hasn't risen yetbut the sky is already brightening.

Legs do not walk. Lying in the bushes by the road, you hear the sound of bicycle tires on the asphalt. A woman with a basket of berries on her back drives by slowly. You catch up with her and use all your charm and persuasiveness - the car stalled in the forest, I'm going to refuel, maybe throw it up? The woman immediately agrees to throw it up. You sit on the trunk with your legs dangling and suddenly you notice that her bike has a bottle holder.

You look at what letter your presence at the barbed fence betrayed. This is a graduate student. He compared the two bikes you linked to and noticed that not only the hub materials differ, but also the countries of assembly. Despite the fact that both firms have their legal address in the Netherlands, in fact, the assembly shop of one of them is located in Taiwan. This explains the difference in price, the graduate student notes

When you reach the house, you fall exhausted on the bed, but again guests in civilian clothes. On the go, you will come up with a story about a birthday at a friend's dacha, which dragged on until the morning, but men do not even try to bring you to clean water. They are interested in why you don't have a password on your WiFi. You answer that you have just moved into the apartment and have not yet had time to put things in order. Then a third comes in and they are whispering about something in the hallway. From their conversation you can only make out the words "Cyclops" and "Blackberries". Returning, one of them nervously knocks on the knee with some papers, and then smiles, as if he is missing out on some business, and advises to set a password on the router - you never know what attacker can go online through it. Leave.

You decide that you don't really need a bicycle. He instills fear in you with countless details about which you know too little and cannot fully trust the safety of your health. Suddenly, the brakes that were assembled at the plant where two Chinese workers had recently committed suicide, but naturally did not write about it in the news, will fail. Or did the saddle end up in the store from a batch confiscated at the border, where the inspection body embarrassed the off-scale Geiger counter? Or, for example, on some unknown forum, users are discussing whether the original model of the bicycle frame is connected with an intervertebral hernia? There are so many details that among them the one that will harm your health can easily hide among them, and it is you who will be lucky to become one of the thousands of buyers who will come across it.

Walking is good too, you decide. Walk and admire the world around you. By the way, you have long wanted to buy a good semi-professional camera? It's just not very clear why two cameras with the same number of megapixels differ in price by more than two times? We need to google ...
So what your post is Really saying some poor Soul payed a High price with his/her life and the powers be use People as a commodity. There is a saying a human life is the cheapest thing to replace. Nothing new with that, has been and always will be like that. That will never changed.
 

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