Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

T

TankTop5

Audioholic General
For the longest time I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes, turns out it was the refrigerator.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."
 
Mikado463

Mikado463

Audioholic Samurai
Happy Presidents Day everyone !

I had breakfast with my 10 year old grandson this morning and asked him if he knew the meaning of Presidents Day, to which he responded....... 'It's the day the President steps outside and if he sees his shadow we have another year of bullshit'

Even 10year olds have it figured out ....... :rolleyes:
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
To the woman asking for a divorce, the judge asks her:

Madam, are you sure you want a divorce for CHARACTER COMPATIBILITY?

Are you sure it is not the opposite?

The woman replies:


No, your Honor, it is indeed for compatibility

I like cinema, my husband too !

I like bathing in the sea, my husband too !

I like theater, my husband too !

I like men.......and yes, he likes them too !
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child.
 
cornemuse

cornemuse

Junior Audioholic
Blonde walks in a bookstore & asks clerk if they have any books on paranoia, clerk says, 'They're behind you!'
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
An alter boy goes in for Confession, and he sits down across from the priest and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned; I slept with a girl in my grade at another school."

The priest says "All will be forgiven. But for my own curiosity, who was it?"

"Father, I promised her I wouldn't tell a soul. I don't even think she'd be comfortable with me telling you."

"It wasn't Kathleen O'Reilly, from St. Mary's, was it?"

"Father, she made me promise not to tell."

"Was it Sophia Lopez, from Holy Family?"

"Father, I don't want her to get a reputation."

"It couldn't have been Maria Fratelli, at St. Augustine's?"

"Father, you don't understand how important it is to her that I keep this a secret."

"Was it Emma Leblanc, from Sacred Heart?"

"Father, she really doesn't want word of this to get around."

The priest thought for a minute. Finally he said "I admire your dedication to your friend, but I can't let this transgression go unpunished. You are suspended from the alter guild for three months. Each night during your suspension, recite the Act of Contrition and pray the rosary before going to bed, and all will be forgiven. Now run along."

The newly-suspended alter boy hops out of the church and crosses the street, where his friend is waiting for him. His friend asks "So what did you get?"

"Three months of vacation and four good leads."
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
 

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