Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[highfihoney]

god no!

please dont tell me that there are sensitive people reading the jokes in the steam vent who get offended at a joke,its called a joke for a reason.

i read the joke in question & i liked it too

 

[brian32672]

please dont tell me that there are sensitive people reading the jokes in the steam vent who get offended at a joke,its called a joke for a reason.

i read the joke in question & i liked it too

I did not ask him to remove it. Just pointed out it was a little rough.
I to thought the punchline should have been worked in better, but I would agree with Ron that it would have been difficult to write it in differently (certainly not without the effect)
Oh it was only PG rated IMO, and once again, I did not not ask him to remove it. I just happen to be on the phone with him, when I read it. And he heard my sigh of angst, on its content.

But just a reminder, this is a family forum, I have had posts of mine deleted.
I recall once where I was joking on a gay subject (with no harm intended)
I actually thought it was very lite (we had started on talking about lesbians as well) - and Clint removed it.
Which is fine, just because the fact - that it may stir attitudes here that are not wanted (being a family viewable forum)
I am not offended, but I could easily see where some are.
Other sites allow the use of words like s*it, *ss, d*ck, a**H*le, f*ck, etc..
but this site does not. And I think that it does help promote a good sense of moral on this site.

However, I do frequent other forums often. But always seem to find my way back here.

 

[mulester7]

please dont tell me that there are sensitive people reading the jokes in the steam vent who get offended at a joke,its called a joke for a reason.

i read the joke in question & i liked it too

.....the joke was solid down to the punchline, HighFiHoney.....must be something about guys from Florida, the plywood state, haha.......

 

[majorloser]

.....the joke was solid down to the punchline, HighFiHoney.....must be something about guys from Florida, the plywood state, haha.......

Re-worked: "Only at first, but by the time we landed it wasn't so bad."

 

[mulester7]

.....Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours....but one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other, your husband's bound to get suspicious"...."no way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him, "besides, we've been meeting here for six months now, and he doesn't suspect a thing"...."that may be true," agreed the dentist, "but Laura, you're down to one tooth"........

 

[STRONGBADF1]

How do you know the tooth brush was named by a red neck?

Because a yankee would have called it a teeth brush!

 

[sjdgpt]

Bubba and his new bride are talking.

Bride's question to Bubba: "Bubba, if we get a divorce, will I still be your sister?"

 

[highfihoney]

another lil johnny joke

little johnny was taking a shower with his grandma when he pointed down & asked 'whats that grandma' the old hag replied "well johnny thats my beaver".

so a few days later little johnny was taking a shower with his mother when again he pointed down & asked 'whats that mommy' his mother replied "thats my beaver johnny" so johnny thought for a second then said 'well grandma's beaver must be dead because its tounge is hanging out'

 

[mulester7]

.....question....what do you get, when you cross an elephant and a chicken?.....

.......answer....a dead chicken with a 10 inch butt-hole.....

 

[Takeereasy]

A goody.

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
"No wonder you're taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955?!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[sjdgpt]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

.......................


The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Mr. Lamb Fries]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the
voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped! , looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS STEVE, MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

 

[Sheep]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the
voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped! , looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS STEVE, MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

Nice. We get that one in Canada ALL the TIME!

SheepStar

 

[mulester7]

.....then there was the Blonde that broke her arm raking leaves....yeah, broke her arm raking leaves....seems she slipped and fell out of the tree.....

 

[Takeereasy]

First of a few today

This is a classic great joke:
Eino--a Finnlander from Cook County in northern Minnesota--was an
older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and
cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious
aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to
Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino
attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino,
he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you
are Catholic." Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday
night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he
rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he
stopped in amazement and watched......

There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born
a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.

 

[Takeereasy]

2 more

1. An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks
"Are they twins"? The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you
think they look alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"


2. A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. "Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Takeereasy]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an
attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man,
and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in
your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

 

[Takeereasy]

last one today

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along thewall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense
night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there cuddled up she asks, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[Takeereasy]

OK, really the last one this time

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, doctor, fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

 

[mulester7]

.....little known fact....George W. Bush was actually turned down by the Navy for flight training after he identified Pensacola as a soft drink.....