Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
.....yet another little known fact....the Clinton Library/Museum in Little Rock, will contain and display a framed Weather Map from the U.S. Geophysical Survey tracking Bill's first Category Five orgasm.....
 
jaxvon

jaxvon

Audioholic Ninja
On the subject of Bill Clinton, I think the design of the new library is very fitting. You can see where they got their architechtural inspiration:

 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
.....Jaxvon, would you believe that's actually an ingeniously innovative Arkinsaw design against flooding?....what?....you wouldn't?....hmmmm....(sorry, Bill, I tried).....
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
.....this one's for you, Buckle.....


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, lookin' like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a big fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Conner!," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," says Paddy, "a shovel in his hand is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
 
MacManNM

MacManNM

Banned
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from
his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you
were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking
that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I
remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The
husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from
his cheek and said.......... "I would have gotten out today."

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Buckeyefan 1

Buckeyefan 1

Audioholic Ninja
Mac - ROFL :D


Here's one...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me two whiskies."

The bartender obliges.

The man looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more whiskies."

So the bartender gives him two more whiskies.

The man looks into his wallet again and says, "Give me two more whiskies."

The man went on like this until he had put down twenty whiskies, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more whiskies.

The bartender is intrigued by the customers behavior and asks, "What are you looking at in your wallet?"

The man replies, "The more I drink," sobbed the man, taking a photo from the wallet, "the prettier my wife becomes."
 
Buckeyefan 1

Buckeyefan 1

Audioholic Ninja
Remember Rodney D? Here's a few of his better jokes:


With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sexx, my mother would show him a picture of me.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you jogging naked?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
Buckle-meister said:
That's great Mulester7! :) But, um, I'm not Irish. :D ;)
.....sure, but you could throw a rock and hit that pub.....
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
CaliHwyPatrol said:
Naked blonde walks into a bar;
she's got a poodle under one arm and a 2ft salami under the other;
She walks up to the bar and sets the poodle down.
The bar tender comes over and says:
"So, I guess you won't be needing a drink huh?"
Naked Blonde says
.....is there any chance this one could be finished?.....
 
majorloser

majorloser

Moderator
Arkansas

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.” “I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.” Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?” Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”
 
Buckeyefan 1

Buckeyefan 1

Audioholic Ninja
Ohio State Basketball entrance exam:


Time Limit: 3 WKS
You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

YOUR Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) CATHOLIC
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?_______

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?________

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)_______

8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:________________

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) THE SKY

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) NO

13. What are coat hangers used for?_____________

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?____

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS._____________

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?____________

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) FLORIDA
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?_______________

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?__________

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.
 

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