Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Takeereasy

Takeereasy

Audioholic General
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ***
horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
 
E

electricdick

Audioholic Intern
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket

because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window ... ?"
 
E

electricdick

Audioholic Intern
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
 
E

electricdick

Audioholic Intern
A blonde is desperately looking for a parking place but can't find one.
"Lord," she says, "if you find me a parking place, I'll go to Mass every day for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appears.
The blonde says, "Never mind. I found one."
 
highfihoney

highfihoney

Audioholic Samurai
What do you call an Eithiopian man with 3 dog's?



A rancher:D
 
CaliHwyPatrol

CaliHwyPatrol

Audioholic Chief
Naked blonde walks into a bar;
she's got a poodle under one arm and a 2ft salami under the other;
She walks up to the bar and sets the poodle down.
The bar tender comes over and says:
"So, I guess you won't be needing a drink huh?"
Naked Blonde says
 
Mr. Lamb Fries

Mr. Lamb Fries

Full Audioholic
CaliHwyPatrol said:
Naked blonde walks into a bar;
she's got a poodle under one arm and a 2ft salami under the other;
She walks up to the bar and sets the poodle down.
The bar tender comes over and says:
"So, I guess you won't be needing a drink huh?"
Naked Blonde says


Ive wanted to hear the rest of that joke since the eighties...BENDER!!!
 
masak_aer

masak_aer

Senior Audioholic
Bird Seed

An old man is sitting on a bench at the mall when a kid with a Mohawk dyed green, red, and yellow sits next to him. The old man turns to look at him and just stares.
"What's the matter, Grapms?" the kid asks.
"Never done anything wild in your life?"
"Sure have" replies the old guy."Screwed a peacock once years ago. I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
highfihoney

highfihoney

Audioholic Samurai
little johnny

little johnny goes to class where the teacher ask's him to use the word (defenitely) in a sentence.

little johnny then ask's his teacher,do fart's have lump's in them?

the teacher replied,certianly not!

then johnny replied,well,i defenitely just s#!t my pants!
 
surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
highfihoney said:
little johnny goes to class where the teacher ask's him to use the word (defenitely) in a sentence.

little johnny then ask's his teacher,do fart's have lump's in them?

the teacher replied,certianly not!

then johnny replied,well,i defenitely just s#!t my pants!
:D :D LOL:D :D :D
 
KeithT

KeithT

Audioholic Intern
Paul goes to the doctor to get his prostate checked, after the digital exam
the doctor is holding a roll of bills he pulled from Pauls's rectum. He counts it
and says to Paul "you had 19 $100 in your a$$!" Paul replies "no wonder I
haven't been feeling too grand" :eek:
 
KeithT

KeithT

Audioholic Intern
How to Shower like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you!!!
 
Sheep

Sheep

Audioholic Warlord
KeithT,

I definately laughed at it, so hard, I started crying. :D :D :D

The farting part is soooooo true. It also works for belches. :D :D :D

Great stuff!

SheepStar
 
CaliHwyPatrol

CaliHwyPatrol

Audioholic Chief
One night, a guy decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells
his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if
she wants a new position.



Lettuce!!!













Tomato!!!














Lettuce!!!



















Tomato!!!



















Lettuce!!!
















Tomato!!!




















She screams.



















Lettuce!!!















Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!








PULL IT OUT!!!











PULL IT OUT NOW!!!










I can't get pregnant!













Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!*!*!*!*!"


~Chuck
 
M

MAX661

Audioholic
These are a bit harsh so bare with me...

Q: What did the parents say to Micheal Jackson on the beach?
A: Would you mind getting out of our sun!


Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the jackson ranch?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand


Q: To Micheal Jackson, what's the best thing about a 15 year old girl in the shower?
A: When she gets her hair wet she looks 9!


A man is at home with his wife and decides to put a peanut in his ear for no reason. he looks at his wife and says IT'S STUCK! just then his daughter comes home with her new boyfriend, she comes in the room and asks what wrong. After the mother explains the boyfriend says hold on I'll get it out for ya.
So the Boyfriend walks over and covers the fathers notrals with 2 fingers and says blow. The peanut comes out and the father is happy. As the boyfriend and daughter leave the room, the mother asks the father "he seems like a nice boy, what do you think of him?" The father replies "It doesn't matter what I think, by the smell of his fingers if he doesn't marry her I'm gonna have to kill him!
 
Mr. Lamb Fries

Mr. Lamb Fries

Full Audioholic
Another MJ joke...

Q:What university did Micheal Jackson Attend?



A:Bring Em Young!
 
CaliHwyPatrol

CaliHwyPatrol

Audioholic Chief
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden" she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

~Chuck
 

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