Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said “What does your mother do for a living?”
“She’s a doctor,” Tim replied proudly.
What about you Amy?” she asked.
“My father is a mailman,” Amy answered.
“What does your father do Billy?”
“He plays piano at a whorehouse,” Billy said as though it was the greatest job in the world.
The teacher was shocked and immediately changed the subject to history.
After school, the teacher went to Billy’s house. His father answered the door. The teacher explained what Billy had said, and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually a lawyer, but how am I going to explain that to an eight-year-old.
 
J

jeff51

Enthusiast
Committed?
It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?”

All the Best,
Jeff
 
J

jeff51

Enthusiast
English Teacher:
Do you know the importance of a period?

Little boy:
Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our butler ran away.

All the Best,
Jeff
 
J

jeff51

Enthusiast
So, a Flat-Earth’er and a astronomer were arguing about the Flat Earth - (theory ?)
No amount of proof would the Flat Earth guy accept. All was fake.

In desperation the astronomer said - “Do you have cats?”
“Why yes”

“And you know their typical behavior?”
“Yes again”

Well, if the earth was flat,
Cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now….
 
J

jeff51

Enthusiast
Breaking News
Doctors have reported an alarming increase of testicular injuries in female athletes.
All the Best,
Jeff
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
Breaking News
Doctors have reported an alarming increase of testicular injuries in female athletes.
All the Best,
Jeff
But did you know that women had Skene's glands also known as "female prostate"?
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: “So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Slumlord
Stallone, "I'm making a movie about famous composers. I'll be Beethoven."

Van Damme, "I'll be Mozart."

Schwarzenegger, "Stop it, I'm not saying it."
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, 12-inch-tall bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
His purchase made, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a little bronze lawyer.”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
The First Case
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Slumlord
My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Slumlord
The chicken was cold and bland again last night.

I took a bite and said to my wife, "With all those cooking shows you've watched you'd think you'd be a little better at this."

She replied, "Yeah, and with all that porn you've watched you'd think you'd be better in bed."
 
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