Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

A man returned home after a trip abroad feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!” “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.” “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

 

[Verdinut]

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s*x. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about s*x so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

[Verdinut]

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

 

[Verdinut]

One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How devote they are? He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don’t you do that?”
“I would love to,” replied the husband, “but I don’t know her well enough.”

 

[Mikado463]

I saw in the paper today that the inventor of the Wind Chill Factor had died, he was 82 but felt like he was 64 ....

 

[Verdinut]

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

 

[Mr._Clark]

Kanye West and Nick Fuentes are about to be run over by a train and you could only save one.

What kind of cocktail would you order?

 

[cpp]

 

[panteragstk]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Verdinut]

“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Great! I never could before!”

 

[isolar8001]

“How do you know when a Blonde is making Chocolate Chip Cookies? "

“When you see the kitchen floor covered with M&M shells.”

 

[lovinthehd]

 

[panteragstk]

 

[cpp]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Lars Ulrich once became legally certified to officiate the wedding of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

-

He was the Pastor of Muppets.


Edit: @NINaudio - I think you'd get a chuckle

 

[Verdinut]

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on his wife’s nipples while she was asleep.
The next day, their driver died of poisoning.

 

[panteragstk]

 

[Verdinut]

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.