Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[lovinthehd]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[Trebdp83]

 

[Verdinut]

The young cannibal asking his father: "What are we having for dinner? Mom?"

 

[Verdinut]

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

 

[Verdinut]

One day, an old lady went to a Bank's Head Office with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win!

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady said to him:
“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them.
“Of course please do!” said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”
The lady, smiling, started to do so,
The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

He asked the old lady “What is he doing?”
She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10am today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank in my hands!”

 

[Trebdp83]

 

[lovinthehd]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria,
Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind
of money" Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will
tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars -
A lot cheaper than a doctor."


So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar
and takes it to Costco.He deposits ten dollars
and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample... He pours the sample into the
slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer
ejects a printout:


"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity..It will improve in
two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the
computer could be fooled.


He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the
results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results .


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm..
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours..
Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself,
your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

 

[panteragstk]

 

[lovinthehd]

Some funny ones in here

 

[Dude#1279435]

Guy on the radio says regarding Halloween: You can't dress up like Jeffrey Dahmer because of that whole deal.

 

[Trebdp83]

 

[Trebdp83]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It’s obvious that he has taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.

She’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he put into organizing the display. There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and Huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but don’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?”

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: ‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.

 

[Verdinut]

A bear and a rabbit are taking a sh!t in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks do you have any problems with sh!t sticking to your fur and the rabbit says no So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

[Alex2507]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Alex2507]

What’s a four letter word for snatch?

Grab

 

[panteragstk]

I feel personally attacked