Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

Mark Anthony, back from a war, asks a Palace attendant: "Do you know where is Cleopatra?"
The attendant: "She's in bed with poliomyelitis"
M.A.: "NO, not another fookin Greek!"

 

[Verdinut]

A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour bro?"
"$100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Maori style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is!
So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10
years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request
from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori
style be?".....Besides it's worth $500.
So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way
and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours
they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've
never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?"

The Maori replies

(see below)








. . . "I'll pay you next week

 

[killdozzer]

Some thugs were threatening a Gypsy and they asked him; What would you do if we broke your arm in three places?

Gypsy; well, I wouldn’t go to those places.

 

[markw]

 

[markw]

 

[Verdinut]

> This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

>
> SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
> I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
> I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting,
> camping,
> and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
> I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only
> what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be
> waiting...
>
> Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
> Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

 

[markw]

 

[Pogre]

Kevin Spacey a decade ago: "Man, I hope there isn't some kind of social movement for women in the future that's gonna cause problems for me."

Harvey Weinstein: "Me too."

 

[Verdinut]

How is it going at the office?

A secretary spent 15 days in hospital for an acute appendicitis.

One of her colleagues goes to visit her at hospital to see how she's recovering and to exchange news.

"How are things at the office?" asks the patient.

The colleague: "Bah, they all do what they can to replace you, Sylvia prepares the coffee, Michelle reads the magazines and Carmen sleeps with the boss!"

 

[TankTop5]

 

[Verdinut]

Sweetie, it's Dad on the phone. Would you pass me Mommy?

• I can't, she's in the bedroom with uncle David. But my sweetheart, you don't have an uncle with the name of David.
  
  Short silence....
  
• Oh yes ! He's in the bedroom with Mom !
  
• Well, OK. Then, I will tell you what to do: put the phone on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and yell to Mom that Dad's car just entered the garage.
  
• OK Papa.
  
  A few seconds later, the little girl returns to the phone:
  
• I've done what you told me, Daddy.
  
• And what happened?
  
• Mommy started to yell, got out of bed all naked. She was running everywhere, she slipped on the carpet, she fell off the window and now, I think she's dead...
  
• Oh my God ! My God ! My God !.... And uncle David ?
  
• Well, he got out all naked from bed, and jumped through the rear window in the swimming pool which you had emptied last weekend for cleaning, and now he is also completely dead...
  
  Long silence.....And Dad said:
  
• The swimming pool ? What swimming pool ?.....
  
• I am connected to 1 45 74 12 3326 ?

 

[killdozzer]

Diner at the coroner’s house;

- Muuuum, but I don’t like granny...

- Well, eat your potatoes!

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

...They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother

 

[mtrycrafts]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’
‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.
There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – a lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:’You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid substantial activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant — Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!​

 

[rojo]

Went to the doctor the other day. He said, "Hello Mr. Johnson. What brings you here today?"

I said, "My car. Hahaha!"

Then he writes in his chart, "Not... sexually... active." A little while into the examination he told me I should stop masturbating.

I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I said, "But you did say I should touch myself whenever I feel like it, right?"

He said, "No Mr. Johnson, I said you could have a stroke at any time."

 

[Verdinut]

I knew a man who used to work on a fishing boat in the Maritimes, as a master baiter!

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

 

[HTfreak2004]

If the dove is the bird of peace then the swallow has to be the bird of true love

 

[Ponzio]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’​

‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.​

There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.​

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – a lot cheaper than a doctor.​

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.​

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.​

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:’You have tennis elbow.​

Soak your arm in warm water and avoid substantial activity. It will improve in two weeks.​

Thank you for shopping @ Costco’​

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.​

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.​

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.​

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.​

The computer prints the following:​

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)​

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)​

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.​

4. Your wife is pregnant — Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.​

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!​

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!​

An oldie but a goodie

 

[highfigh]

A guy is speeding down the highway in Missouri when he sees a State Trooper coming up behind him. He pulls over and the officer asks for his license, then asks why he's going so fast. The driver says "My wife ran off with a Missouri State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back".

The Trooper laughed, handed the license back and said "Have a nice day".