Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
In biology class, the teacher asks, "Suzie, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Suzie glares at her and says, "That's disgusting, I can't answer that question. You should be ashamed of yourself for asking that and I’m going to tell my mommy and daddy what you said and they’ll have you fired."

The teacher calls on Johnny "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."

She then turns to Suzie and says,
"First, you didn't do your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
In biology class, the teacher asks, "Suzie, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Suzie glares at her and says, "That's disgusting, I can't answer that question. You should be ashamed of yourself for asking that and I’m going to tell my mommy and daddy what you said and they’ll have you fired."

The teacher calls on Johnny "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."

She then turns to Suzie and says,
"First, you didn't do your homework.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
That's an old one but always good!
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spies a statue of a huge brass rat in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier.

"Aye, you like my brass rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier. “There’s quite a story attached to that one, there is.”

"Um, yeah...how much for it?" replies our friend.
"Aye, that’ll be twenty five bucks for the rat -- but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.

"I'll just take the rat, without the story." says the customer. The cashier is surprised but, as requested he gives the man the brass rat and takes the twenty five dollars. He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. As he leaves the store, he notices a rat leave right behind him and starts following him.

Soon he begins to notice that a few more rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and sees the number of rats behind him is increasing exponentially. This continued until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

Now he’s getting a little worried. Afraid of this mass following him, he ran towards the docks by the sea. When he reached the end of a pier and had nowhere to go, he stops and, out of desperation, throws the brass rat into the water, closes his eyes and prays.

Now, a minute or so goes by and he hears a lot of splashing. He opens his eyes to see the rats jumping into the sea where he threw the brass rat.

The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling and said. "So now do you want the story?"

"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass politicians?"
 
davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic General
2 older gentlemen were getting ready to tee off on the 1st hole. The first guy asks the second if he would watch his ball as his eyesight wasn't the greatest. Sure the second golfer replied I have excellent vision. Golfer one rips a tee shot and asks the second did you see where that shot ended up? Yep replied the second. Great so where did it land asks the first. Second golfer replies sorry I don't remember.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
One of my friends, whom I hadn't met for several years, came over to see me and as we were talking, said:

Vasectomy doesn't work. I got it done in 2015.

Since then, my very faithful wife and I have got 2 more kids.

The only thing vasectomy does is to change the appearance of your children! “
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Simply the worst. Well done. :rolleyes:
 
M

Midwesthonky

Audioholic Chief
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Bravo! I applaud the cheesiness. Bravo!
 

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