Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[BoredSysAdmin]

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as poop there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.

Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.

“Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”

Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:

“Tell me about the day you died”

“Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this...I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator...”

 

[Verdinut]

A newspaper reporter goes to visit a farmer who was breeding four-legged chickens.

In his interview, he asks the farmer: "How do they taste compared to the common chicken?"

The farmer replied: "I never tasted it as I was never able to catch one!"

 

[rojo]

What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

Spoiler

The wheelchair.

 

[markw]

This might be more appropriate in one of the political threads currently going on, but...

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole

 

[Verdinut]

More of Andy Rooney's statements on SEX:

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-weekly, Try-weekly and Try weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

 

[davidscott]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies, ‘For you, no charge."
Bazinga!

 

[Verdinut]

More of Andy Rooney's statements on SEX:

10. Having sex is like playing bridge -If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

 

[herbu]

Yep. it seems the Poor Sad Baby is stalking me. He's certainly not a "FAN" of mine. is he?Sad, isn't it?

Hey Mark. Yep, this idiot is the Poster Boy for Trump Derangement Syndrome. Cheap entertainment to mess with him. He seems to think we're somehow hurt by his "dumb" ratings. You can lead this guy like a pig with a ring in his nose. Have fun... and welcome back.

 

[davidscott]

Two men are talking. First man says my "wife is an absolute angel". Second man replies "you're lucky my wife is still alive".

 

[Verdinut]

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman: " Which book has helped you most in your life? "
The woman replied.........." My husband's cheque book!! "

 

[Phase 2]

Umm, my last EX, got fired from a job of 5+ years cause of her big mouth. Told her one day the joke would be on her. Needless to say although I don't get any Joy with anyone losing their livelihood. It did kind of put a warm spot in my heart. Lmao.. well it's a inside joke.

 

[Verdinut]

Wearing a condom doesn't garantee a fully protected sexual intercourse.

One of my friends got killed by his partner's husband while wearing one!

 

[Verdinut]

"The Irish Millionaire"

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A) Sparrow

B) Thrush

C) Magpie

D) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate Paddy, told him the circumstances, and repeated the question to him. "Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple-it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I’m fookin’ sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin’ clock!

 

[markw]

 

[markw]

 

[Verdinut]

A lady was mourning for the loss of her husband.

One day, she meets a handsome charming man and they were mutually pleasing each other.

After three dinners at the restaurant, she invites him over to her home. In bed, she was wearing black panties. She tells him: "You may touch me everywhere but not there because I'm in mourning".​

The following visit to her home, he gets out of the bathroom wearing a black condom. She asks him: "What's happening?" He replies: " I wish to offer you my condolences.​

​

​

 

[markw]

 

[Verdinut]

A guy says to another one:

"I got married twice and this resulted in two failures: The first one left, and the second one stayed!"

 

[markw]

 

[panteragstk]