Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
I dunno. It just seems that PSBfan9 is fixated on slamming me since I came back. That's came "back", not "out". You didn't show him my picture, did you?
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Oh, Alex. Thanks to you I picked up "Brothers In Arms", but I found a 5.1 SACD version. It sounds even better. Great demo stuff.

Now, let's get back on track with a joke.

A small zoo in the south obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed the willingness to try to satisfy any female that would allow it, and he wasn’t too particular about it’s species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under these conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You cain't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And finally, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week or two to come up with the $500.00."
 
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M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A ritzy lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told her that this is a common issue with schnauzers and if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers, in a huffy manner: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you MUST know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."
 
majorloser

majorloser

Moderator
I dunno. It just seems that PSBfan9 is fixated on slamming me since I came back. That's came "back", not "out". You didn't show him my picture, did you?
Well, he has flagged almost every one of your posts dumb and reported you.
So maybe he's a fan.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
I guess my return really shook him up. I thought I just drove the women crazy.

Reported me for what? My "One more Time" gig? I figured that since this bozo was gonna flag everything I did, at least I could contribute good info under another moniker without being dingleberried.

Or because I'm dumb flagging his posts? Hey, he started it by flagging every post since I returned. Doesn't like the payback? At least ABC might have issues but what's this guy's beef? If he's got problems with me ,
he could man up and PM me so we could work it out, but no...

If this is what this site has descended into, then truck it.

I'll be back on FB towards the end of this month. Rick can give you my email if you want to talk.
 
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M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
An old geezer, who had been a retired chicken farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $100. You said you’d give me back my $1000."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
A blast from the past with Paul Lynde.

Best answer to "When a man is thrown into the sea, someone screams man overboard? What do they scream when a woman is thrown overboard?"
Full steam ahead!!!

 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Frank was excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Black Bear in the woods and shot it. Then he felt a gentle a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and was surprised to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "What’s your name, man?” Cowering in fear, he stutters out his name.

The beard says, ‘Frank, that was my cousin. According to the law of the forest, for killing my cousin I have to offer you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex with you on the bottom. Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. Again, a huge Black Bear was standing right next to him. The Bear said, ‘That was a huge mistake Frank. That was my cousin, too. You know the two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.’ Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. He was angry and demanded his revenge. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the black bear and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Frank turned around to find a Black Bear standing there.

The Bear shook his head from side to side and said, ‘Admit it Frank, you don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?’
 
davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
A lame amazon Alexa joke - fattest knight in the round table? Sir cumference. Sorry...
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
A couple of Andy Rooney's statements on SEX:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice -a big pecker or a good memory.......I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They both come when you're sleeping.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Spartan
More Andy Rooney's statements on SEX:

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
 
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