Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Old Onkyo]

I know it's crazy, but why not laugh about it? It's good for the morale with the present situation.

Trust me, this thread has been one of my favorites anywhere. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

[Mr._Clark]

 

[Mr._Clark]

 

[Mr._Clark]

A blond and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river.

The brunette want to get across so she yells to the blond:

"How do you get across to the other side of the river?"

The blond yells back:

"What are you, an idiot? You're already on the other side!"

 

[panteragstk]

View attachment 42570

My wife always asks how I'm not stressed out. I make sure and let her know that the above is an excellent way to go through life. Worked for me for decades.

 

[Verdinut]

A blond and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river.

The brunette want to get across so she yells to the blond:

"How do you get across to the other side of the river?"

The blond yells back:

"What are you, an idiot? You're already on the other side!"

You've got Mail!

A man was in his yard mowing the grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've Got Mail."

 

[Ponzio]

Why do transvestites like to go to holiday parties?

So they can eat, drink, and..........be Mary.

 

[Verdinut]

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"​

​

 

[panteragstk]

​ A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"​

​

I knew what was coming, but still laughed.

 

[Verdinut]

TWO PIECES OF MEAT
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that
she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I
know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary

 

[Verdinut]

The World's First Profession:

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an organized civilized place from utter choas?"
"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.

 

[Verdinut]

I am able of the best and the worst. But for the worst, I'm the one who is best! (Quote from Coluche, a French comedian)

 

[Verdinut]

Any man is presumed innocent until he is elected.

 

[rgbbhat72]

Joke 1 -
For the First 15 Years of Marriage - Every New Years Eve I prayed to God and Kissed My wife.
The Next 10 were much better - when I started praying to my wife

Joke 2 - LG is giving a 10 Year Warranty on Screen Burn-in for their OLEDs

 

[Verdinut]

Today, all women make eyes with their legs.

 

[panteragstk]

 

[Alex2507]

The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for some votes to steal
He was in a bind because he was way behind
He was willing to make a deal

 

[panteragstk]

Fireworks when I was a kid: woo 4th of july is awesome this is so much fun glad we're at this legally sanctioned firework display.

Fireworks now: happy January 5th at 9:30pm or whatever

 

[panteragstk]