Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Samurai
Nah- the Boys got this one... ;)
I used to live in DFW and I'm not really sold on their chances. Not a fan I bleed Steelers black and yellow.
But the other good Jets news looks like the 1st pick in next years draft. :)
 
John Parks

John Parks

Audioholic General
I used to live in DFW and I'm not really sold on their chances. Not a fan I bleed Steelers black and yellow.
But the other good Jets news looks like the 1st pick in next years draft. :)
Steelers are awesome this year. Of course, they used to be the ‘Pokes sworn enemy. The Cowboys actually looked semi-competent last week and there is a slight chance to win the division (I mean, look at the ready if the East :rolleyes:) so tanking for draft picks is probably out...
 
G

Gmoney

Audioholic Ninja
The Biden/Harris sandwich has fried dark meat and ranch dressing under moldy white bread. It comes with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy. You can request a pickle but sometimes they forget to put it on the plate. The Trump/Pence sandwich always comes with a side of fruit. Donny and Mike secretly order the Biden/Harris sandwich from time to time and eat them over at Rush's house as they are all really big chicken hawks. I always liked the lox and bagels at the Sanders deli, but they closed. They were always kinda' stingy with the cream cheese though and the young girl at the counter had a little attitude. Did I leave anybody out? If you're gonna' antagonize people, f#%kin' go balls out.:p
LMAO! had read this again! one of the best on AH!
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
Ah yes, the NFL Least, where football goes to die this year.

It's painful to be a Birds fan this year. Shoot me now!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."​

 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
A Russian hunter one day goes into the woods to go bear hunting.

As he sneaks around to shoot his prey, he spots one and blasts away.

As the smoke clears, he feels a tapping on his shoulder behind him and shockingly it’s the bear. The bear lets him know that there’s a price to pay for shooting at him. So the bear pulls down his pants and proceeds to have his way with him for a half-hour, with a warning afterwrds not to come back.

Bruised and battered, he makes his way home, vowing to come back and shoot the bear, after he gets a bigger gun.

Two weeks later he comes back with an AK-47, to avenge his humiliation. He finds the bear in an open field this time, takes careful aim and lets it rip, spraying bullets all over the place. Again the bear is right behind him after the smoke clears and taps him on his shoulder again and says, ‘you’re not too bright are you?’ and proceeds again to have his way with him, this time for a full hour.

Dazed and confused, his anger is at a boiling point, he vows once again to get his revenge.

This time, three weeks later after recuperating, he returns to the forest with a bazooka.

Once he has the bear in his sights this time, he takes careful aim and pulls the trigger ... and sure enough the bear taps him on the shoulder again, after the smoke clears, and the bear says, ‘you know pal, I’m starting to think you’re not in this for the sport, are you?’



Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
 
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davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Samurai
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
One, but you really have to squeeze him in!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"​

 
lovinthehd

lovinthehd

Audioholic Jedi
I hear the White House has become so polite. The halls ring with, “pardon me” “oh no, pardon me”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A CASE OF REASONABLE DOUBT?

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."​

 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
 
Old Onkyo

Old Onkyo

Audioholic Chief
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
I shouldn’t admit it...but I laughed out loud!
 

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