Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[BoredSysAdmin]

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Police in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen trying to have sex with the laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and looks at Little Jimmy, asking: "And just what do *you* want for breakfast, Jimmy?"

And Jimmy says: "Well, I sure as *duck don't want no God-damn biscuit!"

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up...

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted.

She left the doctor’s office quickly.


Weeks later the old lady returned.

She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.

”How did it go?” the doctor asked.

”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

”Did it not work?”

”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…

Love,

Mom.

 

[Tarub]

 

[Pedro Alvarado]

peanut

a man's daughter returns home from a date with her boyfriend and they find her parents trying to remove a peanut from the father's ear. the boyfriends says i know how to remove it. I'm going to stick my two fingers in your nose and you blow really hard. the pressure will make the peanut shoot out of your ear. they try it and it works. she takes her boyfriend to the other room to get napkin for the peanut. the mom says now that is a smart young man. what do you think he wants to be when he grows up? the dad says i don't know but by the smell of his fingers i'd say our son in law.

 

[Johnny2Bad]

This is an old one, but a Canadian Classic.

At the Jobsite, a new worker shows up for work and during lunch, his co-workers suggest a beer after work to get acquainted.

The conversation eventually comes around to a question about where he's worked before. He explains his last job was at a similar facility, in a small Manitoba town called Flin Flon.

"Flin Flon!" one guy pipes up. "The only things that ever came out of Flin Flon were whores and hockey players!"

The new guy pounds his fist on the table and says "My mother is from Flin Flon!"

The first guy says "What position did she play?"

 

[Pedro Alvarado]

stop me if you've heard this one

a man gets home early and finds his wife in bed with his best friend. how could you? you're the mother of our kids. and you, my best friend. do either of you have ... ok you two, you could at least stop while i'm talking to you.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

 

[Verdinut]

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.
"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I'm going to complain to my parents who will complain to the principal who will have you fired!"
Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction but undaunted he asks the class the question again and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good Sam. Thank you."
Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says; "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

[Pedro Alvarado]

daughter - dad may i borrow the car this weekend?
dad - sure, under one condition.
daughter - what?
dad - you need to suck my d*ck first.
daughter - no way, you're my dad, gross.
dad - ok.
daughter - (a few days go by) ok dad, i really want to borrow the car. i guess i'll suck your d*ck.
dad - ok.
daughter - (almost immediately she spits it out) dad, your d*ck tastes like sh*t.
dad - i know, your brother borrowed the truck.

 

[Verdinut]

The Cruel Sea ...
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’ Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen,” said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’ Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’ Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, “What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, “We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

 

[Verdinut]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

 

[Verdinut]

Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

 

[Verdinut]

Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All the knives were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

 

[Verdinut]

Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

 

[Verdinut]

Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you!

 

[Pedro Alvarado]

special frog

a guy walks into a bar. he finds a pretty girl and puts his pet frog on top of the bar and sits down.
girl - what's with the frog?
guy - oh this is a special frog. he eats p*ssy.
girl - HA, that's a good one.
guy - really, her does. i can prove it.
girl - oh yeah how?
guy - let's go to my place and you'll see.
girl - you know what, fine i'll go
guy - i'll grab my frog and we'll go
girl - ok we're here now what
guy - go to my bed and get naked
girl - ok, done.
guy - now i'll put the frog in front of your p*ussy and he'll do his thing
girl - he's not doing anything
guy - give him a minute
girl - i knew you were a liar
guy - wait
girl - well?
guy - this is strange. he's usually not like this.

he picks up the frog and sits it next to him. he looks at the frog and says, ok I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time.