Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Chu Gai]

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well" the woman said "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked "May I ask where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery" he replied. "And when is she coming back?" "I don't really know" he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"

 

[afterlife2]

 

[afterlife2]

Not really a joke, but it is funny:

 

[afterlife2]

Some of my fav sketches on SNL were with this guy. Still makes me laugh:

 

[Chu Gai]

A little boy was in the bath with his mum. The boy said "What's that hairy thing, mommy?" She replied "That is my sponge". "Oh yes" said the boy "The babysitter has got one too. I've seen her washing dad's face with it".

 

[afterlife2]

A Wife Walked In On Her Husband In Bed With A Midget Woman


She looked at her husband, with tears in her eyes and said,
"I thought you said you weren't going to do this anymore!!"

The husband just looked over his shoulders,without stopping what he was doing with the midget woman, and replied, "Hell, you can see that I'm cutting down".

 

[Jeffrey S. Albaugh]

Terrorist Joke:

 

[Rickster71]

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing?

He replied that he is now working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel, under a constrained environment".

I was impressed that he was still working at his age......!
On further inquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water .......Under his wife's supervision.

 

[herbu]

I'm gonna vote today for 2 reasons.
1) Try to elect my favorite candidates.
2) So during the next 4 years, every time I hear some idiot espousing their ignorant views, (that means anybody who doesn't agree with me), I can laugh and know that I cancelled out their vote!!!

 

[Chu Gai]

Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me" Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

Earl excitedly replies "Tell me the good news first".

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl". "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night".

 

[haraldo]

My brother sent his photos to the lonely hearts club, they sent it back and said they weren't that lonely...

 

[killdozzer]

Well I see it as a joke. A guy is selling this TT for 120$:

Dual 55E 1941.


Now how's that for "the way it used to be"?! Vintage enough?

 

[Chu Gai]

My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity".

 

[Ponzio]

Conversation between a husband and wife.


The wife says to the husband, “When I die are you going to remarry?”

And he says, “Probably”


The wife says “Are you going to let her live in our house?”

And he says “Probably”


And she says “Are you going to let her drive my car?”

And he says “Probably”


And she says “Are you going to let her wear my Jewelry?”

And he says “Probably”


And she says “Are you going to let her use my golf clubs?”

And he says “No, She’s left handed”

 

[Ponzio]

a giant among men

 

[MR.MAGOO]

a giant among men

Have you seen the "W.C. Fields Comedy Favorites Collection" ?

 

[Ponzio]

Have you seen the "W.C. Fields Comedy Favorites Collection" ?

No I haven't but I've seen about 3/4 of the movies in the set. Long, long time fan since I was 17 when I saw "The Bank Richard [lord helmet]". Most of my contemporaries ... I'm 62 ... were into the Marx Brothers at the time.

 

[panteragstk]

a giant among men

I've seen some of those, but not most. Going to have to get some of his movies.

What do you recommend?

 

[Ponzio]

I've seen some of those, but not most. Going to have to get some of his movies.

What do you recommend?

the bank richard (lord helmet) ... seriously guys? ... it's a gift, never give a sucker an even break ... off the top of my head

 

[Pogre]

One of my Mexican friends told me this one.

"So you say they call you a beaner. Just know you're not the only Juan."