Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

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In a crowded city, at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standind behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are! " The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends. "
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

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An Australian goes to New Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia, we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, Fock off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.
 
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Drunkpenguin

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Lol. Reminds me of one from the movie Colors.

There's two bulls standing on top of a mountain. The younger one says to the older one: "Hey pop, let's say we run down there and fock one of them cows". The older one says: "No son.... Lets walk down... and fock 'em all".
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

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812 6 27
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"
Silence followed................... complete silence...........
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"










 
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Drunkpenguin

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675 4
This is an old one, but its been stuck in my head for years.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

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The wife: "Can my husband still make love since he's just had a heart attack?"

The doctor: "Sure madam, but only with you, because it's of prime importance that he doesn't get excited any more!
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

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A man goes into a bar brandishing a gun: "I want to know who fucked my wife!"

A voice from the back of the bar: "You're going to be short of cartridges!"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

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It's been raining for several hours! My wife is completely depressed, she keeps looking through the window ...............

If this situation continues for a while, I'm afraid I'll have to let her in ..............
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Field Marshall
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812 6 27
A woman to her friend: "Yesterday, I told my horny husband: "How about playing doctors? All excited, he replied: "Oh Yes!"
I had him wait one hour in the living room, then I gave him an appointment in 6 months! "
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.

"What a coincidence," she said.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

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I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."

“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.”

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.
 

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