Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
Ratings
1,393 4
I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle,

bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
 
psbfan9

psbfan9

Audioholic Samurai
Ratings
1,837 7 24
Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Ratings
5,843 22 38
Old but good NSFW joke
A Woman goes to buy a parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fcuk me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fcuk me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fcuk me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Ratings
5,843 22 38
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labeled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally ....
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ughhh. ok. FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Ratings
5,843 22 38
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

She says: "Please do."

The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Ratings
5,843 22 38
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Field Marshall
Ratings
974 2 2
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the poop out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 Years."
 

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