Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

THE SCOTTISH JEW
​

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life, in Scotland, decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to join the St. Andrews Club. When he went to join, he was told that he would have to apply by the regular membership. When he did so, he was refused entry. He went to ask why. He was asked:

“You're Jewish aren't you?”

“Yes, but I'm as Scottish as you are, Jake.”

“Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts.”

“Aye, lad, I know that.”

“Well, being Jewish, you must be circumcised?”

“Aye, lad, I'm that.”

“Well, the Board decided that they could not stand a circumcised lad parading around with us.”

“My God, man” he cried: “I know one must be a protestant to march in the Orangemen's parade and one must be Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I realize that one had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman.”

​

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.


The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"?

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay".

The husband says, "No, not at all".

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

 

[Verdinut]

I nearly became a doctor:

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

 

[Verdinut]

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

Natural disasters just happen.

 

[Verdinut]

This is an old one but still funny:

Do you know why the great German composer Johann Sebastian Bach had 20 children? Well, there were no stops on his organ!

 

[Verdinut]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said . . .
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with our fellow passengers."

The little girl who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger . . .
"What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or heaven or Hell, or life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence . . . thinks about it and says, "Hmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, . . .

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know poop?"

 

[Forsooth]

Two gentlemen were in a country store having a conversation about the weather. The old hound dog that was snoozing by the wood stove woke up and stretched, then reached down and began to "lick himself." After a while, one of the gentlemen said, "Hmm. Wish I could do that." The other gentleman frowned a bit and thoughtfully responded, "Oooo, he would bite you..."

 

[Forsooth]

Do you know why the great German composer Johann Sebastian Bach had 20 children? Well, there were no stops on his organ!

Why couldn't Mozart find his music teacher?

'Cause he was Haydn.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the *ducking bus.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A blonde joke :

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled is the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

 

[Verdinut]

TEXT TO NEIGHBOUR:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to
make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been
trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least
I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute
longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when
you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In
fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at
home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was
just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll
accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for
usage and I'll pay you.

Regards,
Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stormed over
next door, and shot Richard -- killing him.
He went back home and poured himself a
stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone
and discovered a second Text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct
had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."

Technology, huh? It'll be
the death of us all.

Regards,
Richard

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A farmer buys a new rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

He promptly nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Then runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. He nails all the geese. The rooster then runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find his rooster laid out flat in the middle of the pasture, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "I told you to pace yourself."

The rooster opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

 

[Verdinut]

READING FROM THE BIBLE, From Genesis:

“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.

 

[Verdinut]

About my new neighbor, she’s single.. She's shapely ..She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.


I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised
when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and
I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and
have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put €50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

 

[Verdinut]

A DOG NAMED SEX​

You know that everybody who has a male dog calls him either Rover or Boy. To be different, I called mine Sex. I found out to my surprise that this was an embarrassing name. One day, I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that damn dog. A cop came up to me and said: “What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?” I said: “I'm looking for Sex”. My court case comes up next Thursday.

I went to City Hall to get him a licence and told the clerk that I would like to have a licence for Sex. He said: “I would like to have one too”. Then I said : “But this is a dog”, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. When I said: “You do not understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old”. He replied; “You must have been a very strong baby”.

My wife and I separated and we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said: “Your Honour, I had Sex before we were married”. The judge said: “Me too!”. I told the judge that after I was married, Sex left me”. The judge sais:”Me too”. I explained that I had Sex on TV and he called me a showoff. When I told him it was a contest, he asked me if I sold tickets. I tried to explain about the time when my wife and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog with us. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He told me every room in the motel was for sex. I said: ”You do not understand, Sex keeps me awake all night!” The clerk said:”Me too”.

I give up. The next dog I own will be named Rover or Boy!

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A plane crashed into the sea, and the only survivors were one man and six women who washed up on an island. They were civilized people, so they worked out a division of labor for building shelter on the island, including a sex rota. Once a week, the man would have sex with each of the women, plus a day off for himself.
For the first couple weeks, that turned into a month and then two and three, all was well. As time wore on, though, the man's six-times-weekly duty began to pall on him, and he began to treasure more and more his day of rest.
One day, while he was wandering down by the beach, he saw something out on the waves, washing towards the island. As it came closer, it was revealed to be a raft! With a person on it! A male person, even! The man was overjoyed, finally somebody he could split his six-fold duty with.
As the raft washed closer, close enough for the rider to be heard, he stood up, waved one willowy wrist, and shouted: "Hey there, sexy!"
"Ah, crud. There go my Sundays!"

 

[Verdinut]

A tramp arrives in front of the "Élysée" in Paris and parks his bike.
Without further delay, a policeman is on the spot and tells him: "You can't leave your bicycle here. You are at the presidential palace. The president, the ministers, deputes, senators and numerous VIPs walk by. The drunkard looks at him from head to toes and replies: "Don't worry, I'm going to use a padlock !"

 

[avliner]

What is the relationship between AV cables and these 3 guys?