Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[rojo]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

 

[Chu Gai]

A young lady had unwantedly became pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she was too far gone and therefore not possible. When told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now" she said "There must be something you can do!" The doctor thought for a while, and came up with an idea: "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix operation when you give birth - we'll just give her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all".

The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realising the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home.

The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.

"There is something I have to tell you" said the priest "I am not your father". His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on "I am your mother, the bishop is your father".

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

An engineer dies and goes to Hell

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Chu Gai]

A young man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice... "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at him. He was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to his table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" He responded in a very loud voice: "$1500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Then he whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to really screw people".

 

[killdozzer]

A gypsy is telling a girl;

See, we've been through so much, us two...
First you were my sister,
Then you were my wife
and now mother in law...

kd

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Subwoofer:

 

[markw]

So, tell me again why you won't let me babysit our grandson.

 

[Chu Gai]

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love. Hillary said "You didn't have sex, did you?" Chelsea said "Not according to Dad".

An old Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed" Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol so you will always remember me". But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say "TIMES UP?"

 

[herbu]

 

[Midwesthonky]

View attachment 18673

You forgot to add "...with lots of cats."

 

[Midwesthonky]

A blond was driving in her car when she turned on the radio. She heard a report that said "2 Brazilian men were killed." She started crying and said "how many is 2 Brazilian?"

 

[lovinthehd]

A blond was driving in her car when she turned on the radio. She heard a report that said "2 Brazilian men were killed." She started crying and said "how many is 2 Brazilian?"

LOL. Almost a blond public service announcement what with the imminent Olympics....

 

[Midwesthonky]

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

 

[Midwesthonky]

WARNING: Rather politically incorrect:

The Olympic Sailing results are just in:

The British team have taken the Gold medal.

The French team has taken the Silver medal.

The Somali team has taken the boats.

 

[Chu Gai]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling" sobbed the wife "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What are we going to do?" "Well" replied the man "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

 

[Midwesthonky]

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

 

[Midwesthonky]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[rojo]

This is a true story.

My mother was having a conversation with a friend who told her she had a terrible memory. Mom suggested, "Oh, I got some ginkgo biloba and gotu kola to help with my memory."

Friend asked, "Does it work?"

Mom responded, "I don't know. I forgot to take it."

 

[BrianT]

Whats the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

 

[Chu Gai]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?" Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much!"

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new CLA Coupe. I really liked it". Man: "How much?" Woman: $90,000". Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options".

Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $1.5". Man: "Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $1,400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go an extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price".

Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too".

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"