Favorite insults?

[Joe Schmoe]

Do you have any favorite insults?
Mine are: "If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards." and "If you rolled your brain down the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down a four-lane highway."

 

[j_garcia]

"You're about as smart as a wet rock."

I think it was from True Romance: "Looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down..."

 

[stratman]

Your mama buys you your cables.

You're so dumb you believe Stereophile.

 

[gmichael]

If I want any lip from you I'll peel it off my zipper.
May the flees of a thousand camels nest in your armpits.
Did your parents have any kids who lived?

 

[Matt34]

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

 

[j_garcia]

"Did you eat paint chips as a kid?"

"You have to ask your WIFE if the speakers are OK?"

 

[audiofox]

That was also used in Saving Private Ryan-the scene at the end of the movie with Matt Damon and Tom Hanks chatting about their families.

 

[gmichael]

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.
She looks like someone held her down and beat her face with an ugly stick.

 

[audiofox]

Clint Eastwood: "You're a legend in your own mind" (to his supervisor)

 

[Resident Loser]

My current fave...

...you smell like a dirty diaper...filled with Indian food...

Then the old tried-and-true

...you smell so bad you could knock a buzzard off a $h!t wagon...

...your breath smells like train smoke...

...you have the mental capacity of a bowl of fruit...

...two consecutive thoughts and you would faint from overexertion...

This one is a bit more subtle and perhaps a tad cerebral:

...you are lucky breathing and heartbeat are functions of the autonomic nervous system...

And if it's meaning escapes you...well...

...you don't get it...you wouldn't get it if it were on your kitchen table in a big, brown bag marked "IT"...

jimHJJ(...insults are like condoms...ain't no fun unless you can use 'em...)

 

[f0am]

You thought you grew a hair, but then you peed out of it.

 

[Tom Andry]

If I were you, I would have committed suicide a long time ago.

 

[Sheep]

To quote the amazing movie "Clerks 2"...

...Actually, that's far to R rated for this forum.

SheepStar

 

[majorloser]

You are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth...

Just about anything R. Lee Ermey said in Full Metal Jacket.

http://www.rleeermey.com/soundclips.php

Ain't nobody like an old school Marine D.I. to let you know where you stand in life.

NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, MAGGOT!

 

[racquetman]

Thank you, Captain _________!!

example - if your friend says something like, "it sure is hot out", you hit 'em with Thank you, Captain Obvious.

 

[j_garcia]

Just about anything R. Lee Ermey said in Full Metal Jacket.

NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, MAGGOT!

LOL, I have a bunch of those.

"Bullshit, I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose".

 

[highfihoney]

Just about anything R. Lee Ermey said in Full Metal Jacket.

http://www.rleeermey.com/soundclips.php

Ain't nobody like an old school Marine D.I. to let you know where you stand in life.

NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, MAGGOT!

Damm it man,why'd ya have to bring up that movie now my wife & I are going to have to watch it I can watch the first half of that movie 4 or 5 times before i let it play all the way through,Lee made that movie for me.

 

[Kyle Lorenz]

You can shave with a facecloth.

 

[Dan]

His head is so far up his a$$ that lump in his throat is his own nose! (Band of Brothers)

Prewar Nazi sympathizing female British nobility to Churchill: Sir, If you were my husband I'd give you poison.

Churchill: Lady A, if you were my wife I would drink it!

 

[majorloser]

Damm it man,why'd ya have to bring up that movie now my wife & I are going to have to watch it I can watch the first half of that movie 4 or 5 times before i let it play all the way through,Lee made that movie for me.

R. Lee Ermey is a god among men.