Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[gmichael]

Sheep ... no offense meant to you.
Take Care,

I could see the punch line a mile away, but this part was great.

 

[adwilk]

Is this the Adam we all know so well from these threads?

Of course, harald... who else...

This Adam would have been "Polish..... My... ......

 

[Alex2507]

Of course, harald... who else...

This Adam would have been "Polish..... My... ......

pre-amp ???

 

[adwilk]

pre-amp ???

Interconnect.

 

[gmichael]

Interconnect.

Bannana plug?

 

[adwilk]

Unfortunately

 

[gmichael]

Yikes! Poor guy...

 

[adwilk]

Alex and Rick decided to rob a bank together. Alex plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the Rick, in great detail.

Alex drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Rick, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand that."

"Perfectly," said Rick. Rick goes in the bank while Alex waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... and Alex is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Rick. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out, his pants and underwear around his ankles and firing his weapon.

As they are getting away, Alex says "You are such an idiot! I thought you understood the plan!"

Rick said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Alex. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

 

[Rickster71]

Alex and Rick decided to rob a bank together. Alex plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the Rick, in great detail.

Alex drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Rick, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand that."

"Perfectly," said Rick. Rick goes in the bank while Alex waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... and Alex is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Rick. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again and the security guard comes out, his pants and underwear around his ankles and firing his weapon.

As they are getting away, Alex says "You are such an idiot! I thought you understood the plan!"

Rick said, "I did... I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Alex. "I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Adwilk, that was one of the best!

Disclaimer:
"The characters in this joke are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."

 

[njedpx3]

Lousianna Coon*ss women are TOUGH!

Boudreaux lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending
death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite beignets wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. When he reached
the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were hundreds of his favorite beignets as only Clotil could prepare.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from Clotil, his wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the beignets was
already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the
table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his Clotil.



"Stop," she said. "Those are for the funeral."

 

[adwilk]

Last night Doug was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked him if he liked breasts or legs.
He told her what he really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently, Doug is no longer welcome at KFC.

 

[Nemo128]

A man was washed up on a beach blah blah blah great joke with lame politcal spin...

Since Nancy Pelosi is an old ugly broad, your joke was barely effective. Why not just use a hot naked blond? The punchline would have worked better had you not tried to inject your political views into it...

BTW, I told the joke to a group as is and got no laughs. I injected "really hot naked blond" into it and got another group raving hysterically.

 

[njedpx3]

Since Nancy Pelosi is an old ugly broad, your joke was barely effective. Why not just use a hot naked blond? The punchline would have worked better had you not tried to inject your political views into it...

BTW, I told the joke to a group as is and got no laughs. I injected "really hot naked blond" into it and got another group raving hysterically.

Nemo128,

Sorry you didn't like it..that is the way I received it ..and it wasn't meant to be political ..just some old ugly broad ...that most people are familiar with.

Glad you got laughs with your ending

Peace,

Forest Man

 

[lsiberian]

I injected "really hot naked blond" into it and got another group raving hysterically.

Gee I wonder why?

 

[njedpx3]

Love that southern hospitality!!!

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."



Pause...


Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "


This was not meant to be political or to offend anyone..only a **JOKE**

Peace -- Forest Man ( no progress on cabin this week )

 

[Alex2507]

This was not meant to be political or to offend anyone..

... especially the 2 Muslims, 1 Jesus freak and 8 atheists.

 

[gmichael]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, `It`s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?` He says, `O. K., Get in the car with it.` `Where shall I put it to get it warm?` He says, `Put it in between your legs. It`s nice and warm there.’ `But what about the smell?` `Just hold its little nose.` The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

[adwilk]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[njedpx3]

New Apple product iBoob

"Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can
store and play music.
The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them…"

 

[sawzalot]

One autumn afternoon an Older Gentleman was sitting on his front porch when along came a young boy, now this boy was hauling along with him a big ole roll of chicken wire, Old guy says "Hey there sonny boy uhh where you going with all that chicken wire" boy says back" Uhh I'm goin to catch me some chickens "Old Man says back "Why you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire. off goes the Boy about an hour later the boy walks by again with a half dozen chickens draped over his shoulder and the Old Man looks astonished "Well I'll be" he say's.

Now the very next day it's the same scenario Old Man on the porch and here comes the Boy again only this time he has two big rolls of Duct Tape, Old Guy says" hey sonny boy where you goin with all that Duct Tape" ? " I'm goin to catch me some ducks" says the Boy. Now the Old Man starts laughing and yells back "you just aint gonna catch no ducks with duct tape" and off goes the boy well about two hours later the boy comes walking back with a half dozen ducks draped over his shoulder, the Old Man just looks in awe and can only say "Well I'll be"

It's now day three and here comes that young boy again, but only this time he's carrying a bunch of Pussy Willow draped up over is shoulder, The Old Man stands up, his eyes open real wide and looks down at the boy and yells "Hey there sonny , hold on a minute I'm coming with ya" !