Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Rickster71]

FARM KID in Marines
> (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT BASIC TRAINING)

> Dear Ma and Pa,
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
> Elmer the Marine
> Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
> to join up quick
> before all of the places are filled.

> I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed
> till nearly 6 a.m.
> But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and
> Elmer all you do
> before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
> things.. No hogs to slop, feed
> to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
> Practically nothing.

> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
> water. Breakfast is
> strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
> etc., but kind of
> weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie
> and other regular
> food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
> two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until lunch time
> when you get fed
> again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
> much.
>
>
>
> We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon
> sergeant says are long walks to
> harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell
> him different. A
> 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at
> home. Then the city guys get
> sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
>
>
>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
> The Captain is like
> the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around
> and frown. They
> don't bother you none.
>
>
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
> getting medals
> for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is
> near as big as a chipmunk
> head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you
> like the Higgett boys at
> home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
> hit it. You don't
> even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
>
>
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
> You get to
> wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful
> though, they break real
> easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
> home. I'm about the best
> they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
> Silver Lake . I only
> beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but
> I'm only 5'6' and 130
> pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
>
>
>
>
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
> other fellers get
> onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
>
>
>
> Your loving daughter,
> Alice

 

[mperfct]

FARM KID in Marines
> (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT BASIC TRAINING)

I had to send that one to the USMC Colonel that lives down the street. He might have heard it before, but I thought it was awfully funny. Thanks!

 

[walter duque]

This might be a little out of line but it always gets a good laugh.
Why are so many Italians named TONI. When they get on the boat in Italy they stamp on their forehead TO NY.

 

[haraldo]

This might be a little out of line but it always gets a good laugh.
Why are so many Italians named TONI. When they get on the boat in Italy they stamp on their forehead TO NY.

Well the only thing I know about Italians and TONI is that FIAT is named after TONI, sth like Fix It Again Toni....

 

[mouettus]

**Disclaimer: this one has been translated from french

A wife's cooking eggs when his husband enters the house. He comes in the kitchen and starts to scream:


CAREFUL! MORE BUTTER! FLIP 'EM OVER! FLIP 'EM OVER! BUTTER, MORE BUTTER! DON'T YOU SEE THEY'RE GOING TO BURN?! WATCH OUT! FLIP 'EM OVER! QUICK! FLIP 'EM NOW! NOW! CAREFUL!
TOO MUCH BUTTER! WATCH OUT YOU'RE GOING TO BURN THE HOUSE! THAT'S TOO MUCH BUTTER! NOT ENOUGH SALT!!

The wife, all stressed up: "What the hell's wrong with you?! Why are you screaming like that?!

And the husband to answer: "Nothing... just to show you how it feels when you're next to me while I'm drivin'!"

 

[sparky77]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me
all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, M.D. After a while I got bored
being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!

Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS, the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just
Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[adwilk]

This is a funny read...

Disclaimer: Some language...

 

[vizionut]

The only joke i can remember is: What do you call a whore with no legs?

a nightcrawler

 

[Alex2507]

Bob and two of his buddies have gone fishing every Sunday for nearly 25 years. One Sunday, the guys are fishing from their boat in a lake close to town when a slow moving funeral processional drives by. Well, Bob lays down his fishing pool, quietly stands up in the boat and takes off his lucky hat placing it over his heart. Being rather large in size, the processional takes several minutes to completely pass by. Once out of sight, Bob quietly sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions and after a few minutes of awkward silence one of them finally speaks up and says to Bob, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by". To that Bob replied, "It seems like the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to that woman for over twenty-five years!"

 

[Alex2507]

 

[Scarriere]

Superman(might be a bit risque)

Superman and Lois Lane had finally gotten married. One particular time, Lois was on an assignment for The Daily Planet and had been out of town for a couple weeks. Superman was starting to feel pretty frisky, for it had been sometime now. He was out flying around patrolling Metropolis when he happened to see Wonder Woman sunbathing in the nude on top of a roof. "Hhmn...I could swoop down there, do my thing and take off before she knew what hit her. Nahhh, better not." So he takes off. A few days later he's out patrolling around and he sees her, again sunbathing in the nude. "Hhmn...yep, heck with it" and he swoops down, pounds away furiously, and then takes off. Wonder Woman says " What the heck was that?" The Invisible Man says " I don't know, but it sure frickin hurt"!!!

 

[haraldo]

Now Alex your pics are getting Priceless

 

[Rickster71]

Why men shouldn't be allowed to take phone messages!

Why men shouldn't be allowed to take phone messages!

Message left on the refrigerator:

Someone from the gyna colleges called.
They said the pabst beer is normal.

I didn't even know you liked beer?

 

[adwilk]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally
gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal
and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his
honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal
a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the
CRATE!"

 

[gmichael]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls , but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed , and to alleviate further confusion , the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys , being met by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next , Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome , since both ultimately result in death.

 

[Alex2507]

Why does Bill Clinton wear pants?

To keep his ankles warm.

 

[markw]

Ten things my grandkids taught me,

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. (don't ask!)
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

[adwilk]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'

 

[billy p]

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even more beautifull than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, Joe's girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is ready to kill him, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so pulls the Vaseline jar from his pocket.

The father backs away from the table and shouts: "All right, enough already, I'll do the .ucking dishes!!"

 

[Rickster71]

Just a Joke

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged
young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie
Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved
Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to
her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as
having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate
the following letter from Nancy Reagan to the
staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports to have intercepted:


To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan


My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to
tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are
making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of
understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is
a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no
grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan.
We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are
confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and
return to your family to join the world again as a healthy
and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family


P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been
banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.
You might want to look into that...!!!
((Disclaimer: This is a Joke, and nothing but a Joke))