Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[tcarcio]

Two blondes are laying on the beach and one say's, Don't you just love the sun. The other one say's Ya, I would love to go to the sun one day. The first one say's are you crazy you would burn to death. The second blonde say's No silly I would go at night.....

 

[cjsxv2]

Im an engineer who just finished school and I would say in general that a talking frog would have been a vast improvement over many of the engineering chics I saw on campus.......

 

[oppman99]

Here's an old one.....

An engineering student rides his bike up to a friend.

Friend: Wow! What a great bike. Where did you get it?

Biker: A woman rode up to me, took off all her clothes and said take anything you want!

 

[njedpx3]

Our Yearly Dementia Test

Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulity. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?






















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.






2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?























Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.







3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?



















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.









4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany ! ! and West Germany ... Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany ,

Or no man's land'?




























Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to

Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!






If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.





PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

 

[voodoolitecrue]

Pet Fish

A man was stopped by the game-warden on the bayou last week. He had with him two buckets of fish. He was leaving Alligator Bayou, well known for its great fishing.

The fish and game warden asked the man: 'Do you have a license to catch all those fish?'
The man replied to the game warden: 'No, sir. These are my pet fish.'

Pet fish?' the warden replied.

'Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the bayou and let them swim around. After a while, I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em back home again.'

'That's a bunch of hogwash! Fish can't do that!' said the Warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said: 'Here, I'll show you. It really works.'

'O.K. I've GOT to see this!' The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the two buckets of fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' the man responded.

'When are you going to call them back?' The game warden prompted.

'Call who back?' The man asked.

'The FISH.' the warden said.

'What fish?' The man asked.

 

[sparky77]

The people of Walmart

Need I say more?

http://peopleofwalmart.com/

 

[darien87]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop, who was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $40k a year, a pretty small salary, and you’re makin’ like $1.5 mil, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[njedpx3]

Flat Tire

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to
the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the
trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my
car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to
the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down
looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.
Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was
not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o,
those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[newaudiofile]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss i not come work today, i really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg ache, so i not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow i really need you today. Now listen, when i feel sick like this i go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and i can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, i do what you say and i feel great, I be at work very soon. Boss you got nice house."

 

[njedpx3]

pi*sing and moaning --- can fix some problems

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008 (supposedly, but who knows ? )


A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pis*ing and moaning.

 

[Rickster71]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

 

[gmichael]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I`m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘"No, not if I`m gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[billy p]

Just try reading this without laughing....


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling ..
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[jamie2112]

Ha hahahahahaha funny Billy..

 

[Alex2507]

Do you know why (insert Eastern European nationality) women are strong?

Because they're use to raising dumb bells.

 

[CraigV]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES !

 

[adwilk]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don 't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there...
>On the couch...

Naked.

 

[adwilk]

Adam meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

 

[haraldo]

Adam meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Is this the Adam we all know so well from these threads?

 

[njedpx3]

The sheep and the sheep dog

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk?'


Sheep ... no offense meant to you.
Take Care,

The Man of the Forrest