I just received this message form my friend Malachy Cornwell Kelly, former secretary to the Tinwald and House of Keys, Isle of Mann (Manx).
He received this Christmas message from the Bishop of Sodor. This of you with children and grandchildren will remember that Thomas the Tank engine and friends is set in the Island of Sodor, which is the Isle of Mann. The Bisop really is the Bishop of Sodor. Here is his message: -
PLEASE be careful to avoid prosecution, lawsuits etc ...
Christmas Carols & Songs
Please take careful note of the following expert advice received:
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. If any person is engaged in looking after the infant for more than two hours per week, other than a close relative, they must be registered as a child-minder with the Care Quality Commission. Rockers attention is drawn to Health & Safety Guidance Manual 'Repetitive Strain Injuries Associated with Crib-rocking and similar activities' The crib must conform to BS3498 part 2.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. The stables must be registered with the local authority under The Riding Establishments Act and the owner must show evidence of Public Liability Insurance cover to at least £10,000,000. Please note permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields as animals are not covered by the Open Access to Land Act.
To avoid offending people of other ethnic origins and cultural beliefs, this activity must be of a non-Christian nature. Laughter must not exceed 65 decibels when measured from the closest boundary and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. As a sleigh is defined as a Class 4 vehicle under the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations should the proposed journey across fields include any road, track, footpath, towpath or bridle-path then the said sleigh must have a current MOT test certificate and the driver must be in possession of a driving licence for this type of vehicle. If the sleigh is capable of carrying more than 5 persons and is available for hire, it also falls within the definition of a public carriage vehicle, meaning it must appropriately licensed.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
It breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches and stools are to be made available. Anyone with a disability may request an orthopaedic chair suited to their individual needs. Shepherds (and this term is obviously intended to include shepherdesses) have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd/ shepherdess observation huts.
As 'flock-watching' is the 'prescribed activity' as defined by the European Working Time Directive, employers will need to make provision for rest breaks and statutory minimum periods away from the workplace. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with Personal Protective Equipment including glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the colour of any part of the body of a reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of any reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. This also applies to issues relating to female reindeer, trans-gender and gender neutral reindeer, reindeer undergoing or awaiting gender re-alignment and any animal claiming to be a reindeer. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also including guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. Owners are reminded of the need to obtain an animal movement licence prior to each and every journey and to keep their animal movement records up to date and available for inspection. Persons in charge of donkeys are reminded of their obligations to clear up after their animals as failure to remove donkey-droppings is an offence under the Environmental Protection Act punishable by a fine of up to £5,000. Furthermore as the carrying of a load by a donkey is obviously a commercial activity, droppings are defined as commercial waste and must be disposed of by a licensed waste contractor.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. Such gifts may also need to have an export licence and must be declared to a Border Control Officer and made available for inspection. Suggested gift alternatives would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. Please note foreign currency in excess of £10,000 or equivalent in local currency, is subject to strict financial controls. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Strict animal health regulations will apply which may involve animals being quarantined for a period of 4 months.
Diplomatic immunity may be available for the Royal Highnesses, please consult your local embassy at least 6 weeks prior to departure in order that appropriate visas and animal passports may be issued. Their Royal Highnesses are advised to use high factor sun protection, only consume water from accredited sources, have up-to-date inoculations and vaccinations appropriate to their intended travel plans suitable evidenced by international vaccination certificates, be aware of moorland ticks prevalent at this time of year and lodge their itinerary with the Mountain Rescue Service.
Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed
Need I say more? A referral to Social Services, Child Protection Team would seem appropriate.
