Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Halon451]

2007 Darwin Award Winners!

2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS!

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado
here are the 2007 Darwin awards.

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.




Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he
ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.



Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for
protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach
used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.



Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends
who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front
door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.
The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was sta nding at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up!,
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk
promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and
fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime
scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds
from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around
at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to
see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the
middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee
rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around
Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet
before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two
nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of
berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Sh*t
happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

 

[Bryce_H]

I laughed so hard at the winner, I had to check up on it. Unfortunately it is false - as indicated on the darwinawards website.

http://www.darwinawards.com/legends/legends1998-09.html

Here is the list of 2007 from the website

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007.html

 

[Rickster71]

A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

"Patience is the art of losing your temper slowly."

 

[Rickster71]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
...but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:


'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

 

[yettitheman]

I can't believe nobody here has heard this one!

So, this guy named Michael Bay, said he ended the format war between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray.

AHAHA Straight to the point

 

[Seth=L]

I can't believe nobody here has heard this one!

So, this guy named Michael Bay, said he ended the format war between HD-DVD and Blu-Ray.

AHAHA Straight to the point

You heard the one about a "double"...er... something? I forget.

 

[Alex2507]

Why do Canadians do it doggie style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

 

[Davemcc]

Why do Canadians do it doggie style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

That's funny. I haven't heard that one before.

That reminds me of one of my buddies. All through his twenties he wanted to find a girl that wanted to drink beer and watch hockey with him, his perfect woman. He found her all right...and married her. Now ten years later, all he has is a wife that wants to drink beer and watch hockey. He's currently looking for a divorce.

 

[Alex2507]

How do you spell Canada?

C aye? N aye? D aye?

 

[Davemcc]

What do you call a black man who flies an airplane for a living?



























A pilot, you racist pig.

 

[Alex2507]

How did Bill and Hilary meet?

They both dated the same girl in high school.

 

[yettitheman]

How did Bill and Hilary meet?

They both dated the same girl in high school.

OHH

 

[aberkowitz]

How did Bill and Hilary meet?

They both dated the same girl in high school.

Could you imagine that catfight? Hillary wins by TKO in the 4th.

 

[masak_aer]

You may have heard this one, sorry if it is a repost:

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the mail guy wants to buy Mom .'

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

[mouettus]

Why do Canadians do it doggie style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Should I be laughing?!

Hey, montreal won 6-5 from a 5-0 loss on tuesday! damn i love this sport!

 

[TLS Guy]

A man is in the midst of depression, and is suicidal so he phones the suicide hot line.

Alo! How can I be of assistance to you right now?

I have been very depressed and life is not worth living. I want to kill myself.

Oh dear dear me.

Where are you?

Ve are out sourcing to Pakistan right now.

Please do you have some suggestions to get help.

Can you drive bus?

 

[Alex2507]

Cannibal Butcher

Mr. and Mrs. Cannibal go to the butcher shop to get something for dinner. The butcher has a nice assortment of brains spread out in the display case.

The strange thing is the difference in prices. The carpenter brains are reasonably priced at $2/lb and laborer brains are $50/lb and electrician brains are $100/lb.

Mr. Cannibal says to the butcher, "What's up with the electrician brains being $100/lb?"

The butcher replies, "You know how many electricians I gotta kill to get a pound of brains?"

 

[Rickster71]

The Gay Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.

The hired hand readily agreed and went in to town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra. ' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'


(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)

 

[Audioholics]

The butcher replies, "You know how many electricians I gotta kill to get a pound of brains?"

Replace 'electricians' with 'plumbers' and it's MUCH funnier!

 

[aberkowitz]

Replace 'electricians' with 'plumbers' and it's MUCH funnier!

You could also use "politicians"