Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Tomorrow]

Sorry, it's a little long and has been around...but apparently a true story. Dunno. If you haven't read it, it's definitely worth your time. Also apologies if it is already in this thread....haven't kept up with them all.
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Pocket Taser Stun Gun -- a great gift for the wife... A guy who
purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.
**********

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries?
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one-
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!.

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do
it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with
it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

 

[MUDSHARK]

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. Soldier.

She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.
He told her there were only three things he feared:

1) Osama

2) Obama

AND
3) Yo Mama

 

[markw]

What's the difference between a nun and a lady in the shower?

Well, the nun has hope in her soul...

 

[mazersteven]

I haven't heard any jokes lately. But I have read some of JohnD's posts.

 

[Mudcat]

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

I am particulary offended by this "joke". I have many friends over there. We talk often - none of us speak french, but we are all fluent in German.

 

[aberkowitz]

I've got a few good ones that I heard recently:

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, "Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands."
The Arkansan replies, "Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away."
The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

 

[aberkowitz]

A Chinese man comes home late one night from a bar and goes upstairs to his bedroom, where his wife is sleeping.

He wakes her up and asks, "Honey, how about a little 69?"

His wife replies angrily, "You come home, middle of the night, and you want me to go downstairs and make you Mongolian beef with mushrooms?!?"

 

[aberkowitz]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his BIG Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping she shook her head "No".
He asked "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No".

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ***. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya' know it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

 

[surveyor]

I am particulary offended by this "joke". I have many friends over there. We talk often - none of us speak french, but we are all fluent in German.

I'm sorry!!!!

 

[Davemcc]

I am particulary offended by this "joke". I have many friends over there. We talk often - none of us speak french, but we are all fluent in German.

What are you offended by? That France was taken over by a country other than Germany???

 

[chadnliz]

OK, what does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

"Be home in 20 minutes!"

 

[highfihoney]

Adult content.

ADULT CONTENT BELOW.













For his 18th birth day lil johnny's dad takes him to visit the local whore house,johnny's dad picks him out a girl & pays for it,the hooker now leads johnny to the bedroom where she asks him what he wants to do,being a virgin he dont know anything & tells her he's open to anything, so she suggests they start out with a 69,ofcourse he goes for it.

While johnny is on bottom the hooker lets a massive fart right in johnny's nosrtills, but he dont make a sound,she turns around & ask's him if he is ok, he say's sure..........................but i dont think i can take 68 more like the last one

 

[jinjuku]

Dave and Bubba are sitting at the local bar:

Dave: Bubba, how do you do it? You know, please the women all the time?

Bubba: Well Dave, since your my best friend, I will tell you my secret to bedroom success. You see I put my pecker between the door and jam and keep banging it till it goes numb. I can go on forever then. Just drives the women wild!

Dave rushes home to try out this new found information on his wife. He quietly goes into the house and does what Bubba said. All the sudden from the bedroom he hears his wife: Bubba, is that you!

 

[Sheep]

I've got a few good ones that I heard recently:

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, "Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands."
The Arkansan replies, "Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away."
The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

I've heard this joke before, but they substituted the Texan for Chuck Norris.

SheepStar

 

[Halon451]

This one is primed for the moment:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted."

 

[surveyor]

Election Year Facts

Electile Dysfunction:
The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.
—Ed Zuckerman, “Government Policy Newslinks”

 

[landonspop]

2 old men rockin' by the fireplace,
one looks at the dog, lying on the floor licking himself and says
"I sure wish I could do that"

the other old man says
"go ahead, Duke won't mind"

 

[Rickster71]

Hello all, hope this isn't a repeat:

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur

and bodyguard for his daughter.

You'll have to drive his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

" The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shi-ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, but . . . . you started it.

 

[Alex2507]

Norse Orgy

Thor the god of thunder is lounging around Vahalla after an all night orgy when a Valkyrie strolls in. "Hi", he says, "I'm Thor".

She looks at him and replies, "You're thore? I'm tho thore I can't even pith."

 

[rnatalli]

There was too much to read so apologies if this one was already done, but here goes:

ADULT CONTENT!!!








4 nuns on their way to a retreat die in a terrible car crash. They all arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greets them. St. Peter tells them that in order to enter heaven, they must confess any sins they committed while on the Earth. So he turns to the first sister and she confesses she once saw a man's penis, but she vigorously states it was an accident. St. Peter says it's okay and asks her to wash her eyes out with holy water in the nearby fountain before entering. So she does so and is allowed into heaven. St. Peter now asks the 2nd sister who confesses she once touched a man's penis completely by accident while she was turning around and brushed it. St. Peter says it's okay and asks her to wash her hands with holy water and she is then allowed to enter. Now the 3rd and 4th sisters start arguing about who goes next and St. Peters asks for calm. St. Peter asks what the chaos is all about and one of the sisters answers, "my apologies St. Peter; I wanted to gargle the holy water before sister Mary sticks her *** in it!"