Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Alex2507]

You could also use "politicians"

That would be treason.

 

[Rickster71]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"


Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:


I am the head of the family, so call me The President.


Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."


So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him .

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies,
"The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh!t

 

[billy p]

Voted best joke in Ireland!!

>
> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
>
> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
>
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
>
> She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
>
> John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
>
> 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
>
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
>
> She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[Rickster71]

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
ninnies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

 

[Davemcc]

Just a few thoughts on this:

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

I had to de-Canadianize myself to take the U's out of words like this. I feel like I'm performing a grave spelling error every time I spell "labor" instead of "labour".

You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

It seems Britain's public school system failed John Cleese in the History department. The last time America had a British national anthem, it was God save the King (and no American would sing it back then, either).

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

If England takes over, why would Americans have to drive German cars? Oh that's right, because the British are inept failures at building cars. Even Britain's most vaunted marques are owned by Germans and (gasp) Americans. This is to be expected, since even the Queen had to go to Germany to find a husband with a good set of teeth.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

British sense of Humour? While you have the QED out, look up oxymoron.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

The fact that gas in America is half the price of gas in Britain is proof the American system works. Another example of the failure of Britain in providing the simplest commodities to it's citizens.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

News Flash, Sparky. If America becomes British, then Andie McDowell will also become a British actor and be legitimately able to thrash that pretentious aristocratic accent with impunity. And if the Britons complain, we will let Kevin Costner make a remake of Robin Hood.

Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

Yes, because the British once again have proven to be inept failures, a challenge for Americans must come from the far reaches of the Commonwealth. Notice I didn't say British Empire? Whatever happened to that?

You will learn cricket

Thanks, but most Americans already know how to watch paint dry.

Note: if you Americans don't find my replies humorous, see QED "British Sense of Humour".

 

[Rickster71]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world.
Mexifornia, formerly known as California; White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help
the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton
has banned all smoking.



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.




Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.



Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.



New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must
be registered by January 2030.



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 

[stratman]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world.
Mexifornia, formerly known as California; White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed; they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help
the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton
has banned all smoking.



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.




Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter, and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.



Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.



New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must
be registered by January 2030.



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Man this isn't funny it's scary!

 

[Johnd]

I'm not one to spread hate or ill-will or racism, but this one is still pretty funny given our current "condition."

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an American Engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, three wishes in total" said the Genie.

The Canadian stated: "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' POOOOFF! With The blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he stated: "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer states: "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The engineer sits down,cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water"........

 

[Davemcc]

John, that's a true story. Just change the name to New Orleans.

 

[Johnd]

John, that's a true story. Just change the name to New Orleans.

Hah! Well, that's not very pc dave.

 

[Tarub]

Things that are...when drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti- constitutionalistically
3. Passive- aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking
lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going now. I have to work tomorrow.

 

[Johnd]

That's pretty good Tarub. I got a pretty good laugh. "Constitutionalistically" might be hard to "say" (pronounce, more accurately), because it's not a proper word though...it's made up. Constitutional, or constitutionally is proper. Spelling lesson over. Enjoy you weekend.

 

[Tarub]

That's pretty good Tarub. I got a pretty good laugh. "Constitutionalistically" might be hard to "say" (pronounce, more accurately), because it's not a proper word though...it's made up.

How about my sig Bravissimo? Is it a proper word? I'll be heart broken if you just made it up. I added SI on that word so it rhymes with a music word pianississimo.

 

[Johnd]

How about my sig Bravissimo? Is it a proper word? I'll be heart broken if you just made it up. I added SI on that word so it rhymes with a music word pianississimo.

Yes, it is...just not in the English language.

bra·vis·si·mo (brä-vs-m)
interj.
Used to express great approval, especially of a performance.

[Italian, superlative of bravo, fine; see bravo1.]

via The Free Online Dictionary.

Bravissimo!!!

 

[Tarub]

Yes, it is...just not in the English language.

You should have told me to PRESS 1 for English.

 

[billy p]

Achmed the dead terrorist!

I just found this and thought it to be hilarious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

 

[Halon451]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking pro bl em. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[Davemcc]

I just found this and thought it to be hilarious! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Watch the videos with Jeff Dunham and Walter. Those are hilarious. He's one of my all time favorites.

 

[Halon451]

Watch the videos with Jeff Dunham and Walter. Those are hilarious. He's one of my all time favorites.

Totally agreed - he's been around forever too. I had the chance to see him live in Norfolk, VA once. I was laughing to tears the entire time - by the time we left, my whole body ached from head to toe from it.

 

[Halon451]

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

A very loud, very unattractive, very mean-acting woman walked into
Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way
through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart! Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they
ain't. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day now and thank you
for shopping at Wal-Mart!'