Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

A father purchases a lie detector that slaps people who lie. He decided to put it to the test over dinner one night.

The father inquires of his son as to what he did that afternoon. “I just did some homework,” the son responds. The robot slaps the kid. The son then says, “All right, all right. I was watching a movie at a friend’s house.”

“What movie were you watching?” Dad inquires. “Finding Nemo,” the son responds. Again, the robot slaps the kid. “All right, all right,” he says. We had been watching porn.”

“What?!?” exclaimed Dad. “I had no idea what porn was when I was your age.” This time, the robot slaps the father.

“Wow,” Mom exclaims, laughing. He is, without a doubt, your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Verdinut]

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest.


The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”


The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!”


The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

 

[Verdinut]

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”

 

[Verdinut]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.

I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

 

[Verdinut]

 

[TankTop5]

I’m going to get in trouble for this one.

what does a pregnant 14-year-old girl, and her unborn baby have in common?

They are both thinking the same thing, my mom is going to kill me.



Why can’t you tell abortion jokes?

because there’s no delivery

 

[Verdinut]

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

 

[Verdinut]

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come drink my pint and their two.”

This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”

“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”

 

[Verdinut]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

[Verdinut]

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.

After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?”

The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it”

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer.

Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag.

The man agrees.

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find the guy?”

The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.”

The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.”

The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for ten thousand bucks and the room is suddenly filled with ten thousand ducks.

“This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender.

The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

 

[Verdinut]

Court of Less Appeal
Justice isn’t just blind—it’s snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?

Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

 

[Steve81]

 

[Steve81]

 

[Steve81]

This one made me burst with laughter

 

[davidscott]

A father purchases a lie detector that slaps people who lie. He decided to put it to the test over dinner one night.

The father inquires of his son as to what he did that afternoon. “I just did some homework,” the son responds. The robot slaps the kid. The son then says, “All right, all right. I was watching a movie at a friend’s house.”

“What movie were you watching?” Dad inquires. “Finding Nemo,” the son responds. Again, the robot slaps the kid. “All right, all right,” he says. We had been watching porn.”

“What?!?” exclaimed Dad. “I had no idea what porn was when I was your age.” This time, the robot slaps the father.

“Wow,” Mom exclaims, laughing. He is, without a doubt, your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

LOL on this one!

 

[Verdinut]

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“

The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.”

The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.”

The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“

 

[Steve81]

 

[Steve81]

In truth, @Alex2507 found this one. Hilariously applicable for science lovers.