Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

This morning, I farted in the bus!
Four people turned around, I was under the impression I was performing at the TV program "The Voice"!

 

[Verdinut]

THIS MONTH'S COMMON SAYING:

One glass of wine is good for health! The rest of the bottle boosts the morale !

 

[Verdinut]

In an old age home, two senior friends, Dorothy and Edna, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs.
And what's there? a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress, and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[davidscott]

From 2 and a half men season 1
Charlie - do you want milk?
Jake - yes.
Charlie - (putting a carton of milk in the shopping cart) ok here you go.
Jake - No we drink dairy farms not dairy land.
Charlie - Keep it up kid and you'll be on the carton.
Damn that was a funny show back in the early years.

 

[Verdinut]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

 

[davidscott]

What do you call a mushroom who buys every round? A fungi to be with!

 

[Verdinut]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

 

[Ponzio]

Guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a small head for his large frame Bartender asks him about it and he tells him a story. Once when I was cleaning out an attic with a lot of antiques I found a very old bottle. Long story short I started to polish it and a drop dead gorgeous Genie appeared and offered him one wish. Of course while staring at the Genie and not thinking of anything else he asked for (drumroll please) a little head.

That joke is older than me ... and I'm pretty 'effin old.

 

[highfigh]

An Irish Fight:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[Verdinut]

That joke is older than me ... and I'm pretty 'effin old.

I prefer the other version about the bartender who had a tiny pianist playing tunes at the end of the bar. So the client asks him about about it and he tells him the story. It's also that while cleaning out his grandfather's attic, he found a very old bottle. He started to polish it and the Genie appeared and told him he would answer one wish.
He got a 12 inch pianist instead of having the 12 inch penis that he had asked for!

 

[davidscott]

What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta!

 

[Verdinut]

Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

 

[davidscott]

That joke is older than me ... and I'm pretty 'effin old.

I think I heard it as a kid and I'm pretty old too.

 

[TankTop5]

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[davidscott]

What happens when you play a country song backwards?
You quit drinking
You sell the truck and buy a car
Your Girlfriend/ wife comes back to you
You get a job.

 

[Verdinut]

GOLF BALLS:

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[TankTop5]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[TankTop5]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[TankTop5]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Verdinut]

Man's Best Friend:
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."