Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Alex2507]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

 

[Pogre]

 

[cornemuse]

Guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar, pulls up at the bar & asks for a beer. Bar-keep pulls a draft & sets it down in front of the dude. Stares a few seconds & says, 'thats pretty neat where'd you get that?' Parrot sez, 'Ireland, they're all over the place!'

 

[lovinthehd]

 

[Verdinut]

A guy goes to a ladies' wear shop and asks for a bra for his girlfriend.

The clerk asks him what size she uses. He replies: " It's a 7½"

She says: "That's not a bra size. How did you measure it? "

He said: "Well, one breast fits my hat perfectly ! "

 

[Verdinut]

Late Night Vet Call...... Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied.

 

[Midwesthonky]

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was "It's worth it to spend money on good speakers."
That was some sound advice.


Note: Shamelessly stolen, I claim no credit for this one. Although my grandfather was an audiophile so I suspect I get it from him.

 

[highfigh]

Guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar, pulls up at the bar & asks for a beer. Bar-keep pulls a draft & sets it down in front of the dude. Stares a few seconds & says, 'thats pretty neat where'd you get that?' Parrot sez, 'Ireland, they're all over the place!'

A guy walks into a bar with a frog n his head and the bartender asks "Where did that come from?". The frog says "Well, it started out as a bump on my ass...".

 

[davidscott]

Guy walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a small head for his large frame Bartender asks him about it and he tells him a story. Once when I was cleaning out an attic with a lot of antiques I found a very old bottle. Long story short I started to polish it and a drop dead gorgeous Genie appeared and offered him one wish. Of course while staring at the Genie and not thinking of anything else he asked for (drumroll please) a little head.

 

[cornemuse]

Pavlov walks in a bar & orders a beer. The pay phone rings. Pavlov jumps up & says, 'Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!'

 

[Verdinut]

A young man asks the pharmacist: "Do condoms guarantee safe sex?" The pharmacist replies: "Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband". --------------------------------------------------------------------- ​

Animations GRATUITES pour vos emails ! Cliquez ici !​ ​

 

[davidscott]

A young man asks the pharmacist: "Do condoms guarantee safe sex?" The pharmacist replies: "Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband". --------------------------------------------------------------------- ​

​

​ Animations GRATUITES pour vos emails ! Cliquez ici !​

Man I laughed out loud at that.

 

[Verdinut]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I visited my aging friend and was astounded seeing him busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. . . .

I told my Senior friend: "You'd better get your hearing checked old man. You're supposed to turn your clock back, not your meat black."

 

[Pogre]

My Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

 

[Pogre]

 

[Pogre]

 

[Verdinut]

A pregnant prostitute visits her gynecologist . . .
The Doctor asks her: "Do you know who the father is?"
The pregnant prostitute replies: "If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?

 

[Pogre]

 

[William Lemmerhirt]

 

[Pogre]