Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[HTfreak2004]

The newest feature in home entertainment

 

[Verdinut]

Wait till I find you fcking marmot!

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

 

[HTfreak2004]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

And that was the last meal the Chihuahua ever ate

 

[Truthslayer]

Guy walks into a bar and asked the bartender -"Do you allow pets in here"
Bartender replies- "As long as their friendly"

So the guy goes out side and comes back in with an Alligator and a baseball bat.

Bartender says- "Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't bring that in here. Are you F"n nuts ? "

Guy says- " I assure you he's totally tame, here I will prove it to you"
So the guy opens the Alligators mouth, drops his pants, pulls out his pecker, puts it in the gators mouth, then slams it shut. Crowd looks on in amazement. Then he grabs the baseball bat and proceeds to beat the gator over the head with it.
Opens the gators moth and says " looky there boys, not one tooth mark" then he says "anybody else in hear wanna give it a try"

About that time an old boy in the corner wearing a dress, jumps up and shouts "ooh, ooh, I will, as long as you don't beat me over the head with that baseball bat"

 

[Verdinut]

A man says to his wife:
"Sweetheart, I would like to die while making love to you"

Wife replies: "At least, it will be a quick death!"

 

[HTfreak2004]

Schiff couldn’t carry Pompeo’s “blank strap.”
“That guy couldn't carry his 'blank' strap,” Trump said of Schiff. What he probably meant to say was “jockstrap.” He also accused Schiff of treason and said he should be forced to resign from Congress.

 

[Verdinut]

Wife: "Sweetheart, you remember how we were happy when we were 20?

Husband: "We didn't know each other"

Wife: "That's what I was saying!"

 

[Kvn_Walker]

How can you tell the difference between a single man and a married man?

A single man doesn't ask for the same birthday present every year.

 

[Verdinut]

Husband: "Sweetheart, tell me what you want for Christmas"

Wife: Divorce!

Husband: "Ah! I didn't think I'd spend that much!"

 

[Trout]

There are three types of people. Those who are good at math and those who are not.

 

[Pogre]

 

[Kvn_Walker]

I just suddenly got the joke.

 

[davidscott]

From Two and a Half Men
Jake : I think I need to pee but I'm not sure
Charlie : trust me after you hit 40 you will feel like you need to pee WHILE you are peeing.

 

[Verdinut]

Husband to wife: "When I die, I don't want your next man to wear my expensive tuxedo suit"

Wife: "You don't have to worry, he's a lot taller than you!"

 

[Verdinut]

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

 

[herbu]

A midget was sitting in his Cadillac at a stop light when the car behind him rolled into his bumper. The midget jumped out, stormed back to the driver and screamed, "I just want you to know I'm not happy!!!". The driver said, "Really? Which one are you?".

 

[herbu]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said, "Of course! All the others have been at least 7s or 8s.".

 

[cornemuse]

There are three types of people. Those who are good at math and those who are not.

Regarding binary, here are 10 types of people, those who get it, & those who dont, , , ,

Why do computer programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween??
Think about it, , ,

 

[cornemuse]

Answer to #1499

Dec 25 = Oct 31

(DEC imal 25 = OCT al 31!)