Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
 
HTfreak2004

HTfreak2004

Senior Audioholic
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
And that was the last meal the Chihuahua ever ate :p
 
Truthslayer

Truthslayer

Full Audioholic
Guy walks into a bar and asked the bartender -"Do you allow pets in here"
Bartender replies- "As long as their friendly"

So the guy goes out side and comes back in with an Alligator and a baseball bat.

Bartender says- "Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't bring that in here. Are you F"n nuts ? "

Guy says- " I assure you he's totally tame, here I will prove it to you"
So the guy opens the Alligators mouth, drops his pants, pulls out his pecker, puts it in the gators mouth, then slams it shut. Crowd looks on in amazement. Then he grabs the baseball bat and proceeds to beat the gator over the head with it.
Opens the gators moth and says " looky there boys, not one tooth mark" then he says "anybody else in hear wanna give it a try"

About that time an old boy in the corner wearing a dress, jumps up and shouts "ooh, ooh, I will, as long as you don't beat me over the head with that baseball bat"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
A man says to his wife:
"Sweetheart, I would like to die while making love to you"

Wife replies: "At least, it will be a quick death!"
 
HTfreak2004

HTfreak2004

Senior Audioholic
Schiff couldn’t carry Pompeo’s “blank strap.”
“That guy couldn't carry his 'blank' strap,” Trump said of Schiff. What he probably meant to say was “jockstrap.” He also accused Schiff of treason and said he should be forced to resign from Congress. :D
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
Wife: "Sweetheart, you remember how we were happy when we were 20?

Husband: "We didn't know each other"

Wife: "That's what I was saying!"
 
Kvn_Walker

Kvn_Walker

Senior Audioholic
How can you tell the difference between a single man and a married man?

A single man doesn't ask for the same birthday present every year.
 
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Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Samurai
Husband: "Sweetheart, tell me what you want for Christmas"

Wife: Divorce!

Husband: "Ah! I didn't think I'd spend that much!"
 
T

Trout

Enthusiast
There are three types of people. Those who are good at math and those who are not.
 

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