The key to eating spicy food is to never, never, NEVER intake with the food in your mouth. This sends the spice directly to your lungs and, utilizing the same processes as other inhaled substances, subsequently to your brain causing a little known phenomenon called spuafication. The spu center of the brain, located directly behind the eyes, is extremely sensitive to inhaled spice which causes the spu center to enlarge causing the eyes to start watering, the forehead to start sweating and the lungs to violently exhale. Other effects may include gaseous release, sputtering, drooling, sneezing, and in rare occasions spontaneous human combustion (a combination of all of the above).
It is also sensitive to good jokes (especially with a mouth full of milk), inhaled flies/bugs (especially in the middle of introducing yourself to a woman WAY out of your league), and statements like, “Right before you leave, drop by my office. We need to talk.” (especially at 7am).
Spuification has been linked to crushed egos, motorcycle accidents, divorce rates, pollution, global warming, increased gas prices, and election fraud. Beware. It’s out to get us all.
