Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Trebdp83]

“OBJECTION!“ “OVERRULED!”

 

[Verdinut]

Jack and Jill have just climbed L'Alpe d'Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the French Alps, on their tandem.


"Phew, that was a tough climb," said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."


"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jack, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"

 

[panteragstk]

 

[Mr._Clark]

This is not exactly a joke, but it cracked me up:

Study Finds American Women Delaying Motherhood Because The Whole Thing Blows

ANN ARBOR, MI—Having determined through empirical research that childrearing is bullshit and totally not worth it, a study published Friday by sociologists at the University of Michigan found that a growing number of American women are delaying motherhood because the whole thing blows. “Our...

www.theonion.com

 

[STRONGBADF1]

True...

 

[Verdinut]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

 

[panteragstk]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Pogre]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Dude#1279435]

No worries. It'll be fine.

 

[panteragstk]

http://imgur.com/IZskTSA

 

[Verdinut]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

 

[cornemuse]

 

[Verdinut]

Playing with fate
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

 

[Pogre]

 

[Verdinut]

Witty little knitter
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!”

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he comes with his cat and dog ready to play.

Before they play, Berlusconi begins a dialogue.

Berlusconi: John, I don't care about your actual band, I just want to know the secret. How do you do it?

John: I don't do anything, the dog plays guitar and the cat sings, it's as simple as that.

Berlusconi: come on John, just tell me! No way it's real

John: look, it's my livelihood. I can't go around telling the secret i make a career out of this

Berlusconi: money is nothing to me, I'll pay you whatever you want just tell me how you do it

John: alright...I'll tell you. The dog plays guitar and sings, the cat just moves its mouth and pretends.

 

[Verdinut]

Facings the consequences
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

 

[haraldo]