Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

HTnewb

HTnewb

Audioholic Intern
Marriage is Great!!
When my wife & I celebrated our 25th Anniversary, i took her on a much needed trip to Hawaii which we dreamed of for years. How nice it was to be able to brag to friends that we actually went. When talking to one of my buddies one day, he asked what i was gonna do for her to top that on my 50th Anniversary? I told him "I thought I might go back and get her!!"
 
John Parks

John Parks

Audioholic General
Really, link to the original? Now I'm curious as to what the context was.
Yeah, I was joking about that (in the jokes thread- weird I know). Just the mental imagery that popped up in my brain to make the picture more complete.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
There are three nuns living in a convent that have never seen a man before. But one day, they come across a naked man.

The first nun touches his penis and says it is like a soft bit of protruding skin.

The second one does the same but says it feels more like muscle.

The third one does the same and says, "why does this man have a bone sticking out of his body?"
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
What is the hardest part of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous?

Admitting you don’t have a problem.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
A man stumbled upon a lamp and he rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices.

He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world.

The man says “We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world.”

The Genie goes “poof” and suddenly the man’s face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought.

Then he looks towards the genie and says, “I should have taken the money”.
 

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