Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic General
Ratings
620 6 22
Golf Story

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his mate Shawn, so they loadedup John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later , John got an unexpected letter from a solicitor.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do." said Shawn.

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed
about being found out, "I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Hey look, I'm sorry, mate, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

“She just died and left me everything.”
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
Ratings
1,381 1
Architect: I'm proud to say this baby can fill 10 diapers in half an hour, probably more but we ran out of diapers during the load test
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
Ratings
1,381 1
Customer: I need a baby

Junior dev: With one pregnant woman we can deliver it in 2 years

Senior dev: Make it 4 years

Project manager: Can't we just hire 9 pregnant women and deliver the baby tomorrow?

Consultant: My opinion is that your baby is ugly as hell, here's my bill
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic General
Ratings
620 6 22
An old lady meets a young lad on the street and asks him:

“What age do you give me?”

The legs 45, the arms 25, the breasts 35, the face 40, the hips 30....

Oh ! But you are flattering me!

But wait, I haven't done the addition!
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Ratings
5,560 20 33
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"

Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."

Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"

And Carl says "I sh1t. You knot."
 
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D

davidscott

Audioholic
Ratings
68
ok a little long but bear with me
3 deceased truckers arrive at the pearly gates and are greeted by st peter
3 questions for you he says
did you ever speed while driving?
did you ever really overload your truck?
did you ever cheat on your wife while on the road?
oh no said the 1st 2 truckers to all 3 questions
3rd trucker answered
yes as fast as I could to meet my deadlines
yes I would pack the truck as full as I could
and yes I'm so sorry to tell you this but there was this girl in Albuquerque but let me tell you about her
st peter told the 1st 2 truckers to move to the right and the 3rd to move to the left
so I am going to hell then asked the 3rd trucker
no my son they are for lying
you and I are going to Albuquerque
 
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