Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Old Onkyo]

Of course, you meant Beethoven who was the one who became deaf.

The last guy is Stevie Wonder

 

[Verdinut]

Golf Story

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his mate Shawn, so they loadedup John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later , John got an unexpected letter from a solicitor.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do." said Shawn.

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed
about being found out, "I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Hey look, I'm sorry, mate, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

“She just died and left me everything.”

 

[haraldo]

Architect: I'm proud to say this baby can fill 10 diapers in half an hour, probably more but we ran out of diapers during the load test

 

[haraldo]

Customer: I need a baby

Junior dev: With one pregnant woman we can deliver it in 2 years

Senior dev: Make it 4 years

Project manager: Can't we just hire 9 pregnant women and deliver the baby tomorrow?

Consultant: My opinion is that your baby is ugly as hell, here's my bill

 

[Verdinut]

At a party:
Man: "Champagne makes you pretty"
Her: "But I drank only one glass"
Man: "Yes, but me, I'm at my 10th !"

 

[Verdinut]

An old lady meets a young lad on the street and asks him:

“What age do you give me?”

The legs 45, the arms 25, the breasts 35, the face 40, the hips 30....

Oh ! But you are flattering me!

But wait, I haven't done the addition!

 

[davidscott]

View attachment 27059

Awsome

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"

Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."

Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!"

And Carl says "I sh1t. You knot."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

 

[Verdinut]

One man says to the other: "I wanted a dish washer, so I got married!!

 

[davidscott]

ok a little long but bear with me
3 deceased truckers arrive at the pearly gates and are greeted by st peter
3 questions for you he says
did you ever speed while driving?
did you ever really overload your truck?
did you ever cheat on your wife while on the road?
oh no said the 1st 2 truckers to all 3 questions
3rd trucker answered
yes as fast as I could to meet my deadlines
yes I would pack the truck as full as I could
and yes I'm so sorry to tell you this but there was this girl in Albuquerque but let me tell you about her
st peter told the 1st 2 truckers to move to the right and the 3rd to move to the left
so I am going to hell then asked the 3rd trucker
no my son they are for lying
you and I are going to Albuquerque

 

[Verdinut]

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes leadership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful leggy, busty blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price” said the man. “Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys. “There you go” she said. “I told you I could get that joker to drop the price. See you later grandpa”.

Never mess with the elderly!

 

[Verdinut]

CLEVER GRANDPA

Grandpa challenges IRS auditor with a strange bet. What follows is hilarious!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

“Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I'm a great gambler and I can prove it” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says “I'll bet you one thousand dollars I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “It's a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand at one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he's pretty much urinated all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come here and pee all over your desk, and that you'd be happy about it.”

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[Verdinut]

SMART ASS ANSWER

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' , the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied .

 

[davidscott]

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"....

 

[Verdinut]

SMART ASS ANSWER

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

 

[one more time]

Frank was excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Black Bear in the woods and shot it. Then he felt a gentle a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and was surprised to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, What’s your name, man?” Cowering in fear, he stutters out his name.

The bear says, ‘Frank, that was my cousin. According to the law of the forest, for killing my cousin I have to offer you two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex with you on the bottom.’ Frank thought about it for a minute and then turned around, and bent over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. The same black bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, ‘That was a huge mistake Frank. That was my cousin, too. You know the two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.’ Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. He was angry and demanded his revenge. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down a black bear and shoot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Frank turned around to find that same black bear standing there.

The bear said, ‘Admit it Frank, you don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?’

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, and I'll be back in time for services."

Sure enough, at the end of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon the scene were Moses and God. Moses said, "Look how terrible -- a Jew on Yom Kippur. And even worse! A rabbi!"

God replied "Watch. I'm going to teach him a lesson."

The rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened off a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a hole in one!

Seeing all this, Moses protested. "God, is this how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"

"Sure," said God, "but who's he going to tell?"