Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[BoredSysAdmin]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[Verdinut]

SMART ASS ANSWER

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

 

[one more time]

 

[one more time]

A policeman is on the scene at a terrible accident – body parts everywhere.

He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: “Head on bullevard” and scratches out his spelling error.

“Head on bouelevard” Nope, doesn’t look right – scratch scratch.

“Head on boolevard…” dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.

“Head on curb.”

 

[one more time]

A ritzy lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told her that this is a common issue with schnauzers and if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady answers, in a huffy manner: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you MUST know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[Verdinut]

At the dentist's office, a cute woman was told that one tooth definitely had to be removed.

"Doctor, to tell you frankly, I would prefer having a baby to having that tooth pulled out" she said.

"Make up your mind lady. I will adjust the chair appropriately!" he replied.

 

[haraldo]

1. Buy shiny and expensive iOS/Android phone
2. Oh, it is so shiny, I better protect with a strong and ugly case
3. Battery sucks and dies in 4 hours coz I can't stop watching cat videos/social media
4. Buy, cell phone power banks to keep connected
5. You got ugly stuff again

 

[Verdinut]

SMART ASS ANSWER

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

[davidscott]

SMART ASS ANSWER

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Now that IS funny. I hope to have a chance to use that line if I'm ever caught speeding.

 

[one more time]

 

[Verdinut]

ANOTHER SMART ASS ANSWER

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

 

[markw]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My Aunt Karen fought in the Afghanistan war, and her plane was shot down over enemy territory. She jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, she drank the whiskey. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 Taliban soldiers. She shot 70 with her machine gun, but then she ran out of bullets! So she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on her machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.

After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

 

[one more time]

OK, now what?

 

[Verdinut]

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2018

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

[markw]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My Aunt Karen fought in the Afghanistan war, and her plane was shot down over enemy territory. She jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, she drank the whiskey. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 Taliban soldiers. She shot 70 with her machine gun, but then she ran out of bullets! So she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on her machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.

After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

From that "dumb" flag this joke garnered. , I guess someone couldn't get this. either that, or we have another Linearphase in the making.

 

[Verdinut]

From that "dumb" flag this joke garnered. , I guess someone couldn't get this. either that, or we have another Linearphase in the making.

You had already posted that joke! See post #1353

 

[markw]

Actually, that pose wasn't simply a reissue of the joke. It was a commentary on that"dumb" flag that someone saw fit to award me for it. Perhaps you might explain it to them since they seem incapable of understanding it.

But, rather than waste another post on non-funny stuff, here's one for ya. It seems somehow fitting here.

 

[markw]

Yep. Same dingleberry. It seems that I've attracted a real "fan". It's nice to know that I give someone' otherwise boring life purpose.

I guess the fact that I've been absent for three years and still have twice as many points as he does really plunks his magic twanger. Either that, or this place has become a haven for the mentally unstable.

 

[markw]

Yep. it seems the Poor Sad Baby is stalking me. He's certainly not a "FAN" of mine. is he?Sad, isn't it?