Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Chu Gai]

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

 

[markw]

A man is driving through the New Mexico desert and sees a wrinkled old indian on th4 side of the road hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.

They sit in silence for a while and the indian notices a paper bag on the seat between them.

He asks the driver "What in bag".

The driver says "It's a bottle of wine I got for my wife."

The indian says "Good trade."

 

[markw]

 

[markw]

Hey, ya never know...

 

[herbu]

An inmate at a prison for the criminally insane is walking around the grounds and notices a car pull over on the shoulder by the fence. He sees the driver get out, walk around his car, and just stand there.

So the inmate walks over and says, "Do you have a problem?". The driver says, "Yes. I just had my tires rotated. While driving home, something didn't feel right so I stopped to look. I found all the lug nuts are missing from one wheel. I don't have any lug nuts, and I'm afraid the wheel will fall off before I get back to the shop. I don't know what to do."

The inmate said, "Why don't you take one lug nut off each wheel and put them on the bad one? It should hold until you get back to the shop."

The driver said, "That's a great idea. Hey, I thought you were supposed to be crazy.". The inmate said, "I am... but I'm not stupid".

 

[Chu Gai]

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence. Jane, you go first"... "Dough... D-O-U-G-H... Italians make pizza with dough". "Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary". "Dough, D-O-U-G-H... my brother makes things with play dough". "Yes, Johnny, do you have something to add?" "My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough and he's so bad in bed she uses a dill dough".

 

[markw]

 

[herbu]

Not a joke, but possibly the funniest prank I've ever seen!

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1164175250278618

 

[Chu Gai]

So, I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there
was a “Muslim Book Store”. I was wondering what exactly
was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped
me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I
asked “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his
U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal
Mexicans?”
The clerk said “GET OUT, GET OUT AND STAY OUT!!”

I said “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

 

[markw]

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

 

[markw]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all working on the top of a big building.

They decide to take a break and have lunch.

The redhead starts. She says, “You know, my husband makes me a turkey sandwich everyday.

If there is a turkey sandwich in this lunchbox, I’m going to jump off this building and kill myself!”

She opens it up, and, sure enough, there is a turkey sandwich inside.

She jumps off the building and kills herself.

Then, the brunette goes. “You know, my husband makes me a chicken sandwich everyday.

If there is a chicken sandwich in this lunchbox, I’m going to jump off this building and kill myself!”

She opens it up, and, sure enough, there is a chicken sandwich inside.

She jumps off the building and kills herself.

Finally, the blonde is left all alone. She says aloud to herself, “You know, my husband makes me a roast beef sandwich everyday.

If there is a roast beef sandwich in this lunchbox, I’m going to jump off this building and kill myself!”

She opens it up, and, sure enough, there is a roast beef sandwich inside.

She jumps off the building and kills herself.

The husbands of these women gather at the funeral.

The redhead’s husband says, “I don’t understand why she killed herself! I thought she loved turkey!”

The brunette’s husband says, “I don’t understand why she killed herself! I thought she loved chicken!”

Finally, the blonde’s husband says, “I don’t understand why she killed herself! She packs her own lunch!”

 

[Rickster71]

Ammo Shortage:

This morning I was
able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front
seat and headed back home, but
stopped at a gas station where
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a
short skirt was filling up her car
at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of
ammo, bent over and leaned in my
passenger window, and said in a
sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella.
Would you be interested
in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

 

[Chu Gai]

Hillary decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse without help, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Hillary begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, Hillary attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 

[markw]

A woman is lying in bed with her lover, her husband's best friend.

The phone rings and she answers it. Her lover only hears one side of the conversation.

"hi honey, how are you? ...Oh, that's great. I'm really glad it's going so well. No, nothing new here. Same old same old. You know. ...Well, be careful and call me when you're coming home. Love you, bye."

Her lover asks "Who was that?

"oh, that was my husband telling me how much fun he's having on that hunting trip with you."

 

[herbu]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'and what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.

 

[herbu]

A bank robber runs out of a bank, right into 3 guys standing on the sidewalk. The robber asks the first guy, "Did you see me rob that bank?". The first guy says, "Yes", and the robber shoots him dead.

Then the robber asks the second guy, "Did you see me rob that bank?". The second guy says, "Yep", and the robber shoots him dead.

Finally the robber asks the third guy, "Did you see me rob that bank?". The third guy says, "No... but that's my wife sitting in the car there, and she saw the whole thing".

 

[markw]

Two men and a woman are being interviewed by the CIA to become an assassin. There is only one opening and they need to winnow that number down.

They give the first man a gun and say "We need absolute obedience. No questions asked. Behind that door, sitting in the chair, is your wife. You must shoot and kill her."

He takes the gun, goes in, they close the door. ...silence.

He comes out, crying and says "I can't do that. I love her too much."

first man out. It's the second guy's turn.

they give him the gun and the same speech.

He goes in, the door closes and, immediately he comes out and says "That's too much. I could never do that.

Now, it's the lady's turn. They give her the gun and say "We need absolute obedience. No questions asked. Behind that door, sitting in the chair, is your husband. You must shoot and kill him."

She goes in, they close the door. At first there's no noise. Then they hear a band followed by more silence. Then they hear banging and screaming. After a few minutes of that she comes out and says.

"You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[MR.MAGOO]

"Bernie Sanders is old! Karl Marx asked him to proofread his Manifesto!"

 

[haraldo]