Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

SithZedi

SithZedi

Audioholic General
This is a joke? Gotta be right. This dude, lol, umm married a hologram! A actual hologram! I read the article, came across it by accident, really thought it was a joke at least to me it still seems like one or maybe the jokes on him. Just when you think you've seen it all.Wow! Didn't want to start a thread on this so where else on AH better to place a article like this, on a joke thread.
View attachment 55693
It's been a thing for a while. Remembered this article from a few years back that is a bit jarring but fascinating glimpse into this "world".

So with two of them, reminded me of an old Rodney joke. "Now that I am older, I like to sleep with two women at once. That way, when I fall asleep, they have someone to talk to."



 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00.” “Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin.” “Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” “Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, thanks again.” “More’n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?” “Don’t much matter ... just gonna be the two of us.”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
SENIOR THOUGHTS AND SAYINGS
NO MATTER WHAT YOUR AGE IS ... SOME OF THESE RELATE TO YOU AND ME. AND SOME ARE FUNNY TOO!

  • As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
  • I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
  • Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
  • My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
  • It's not my age that bothers me, it's the side effects.
  • I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
  • As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
  • My Trainer: "It was one sit-up."
  • As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.
  • I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
  • If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
  • Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
  • I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
  • God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
  • I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
  • I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
  • My mind is like an internet browser. At least 15 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from
  • Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
  • Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
  • She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
  • So you've been eating hot dogs and Big Macs all your life, but you won't take the vaccine because you don't know what's in it?
  • There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!"
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.

"CASE DISMISSED!"
That's a good old joke though and I'm sure that many of the younger generation have not heard it.
 
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Steve81

Steve81

Audioholics Five-0
My younger son has been obsessed with kingfishers since learning about them in school. Naturally he wants a plush, which lead to this discovery.

8CD4B246-AF29-4C4B-AE04-C82D84F3C84F.jpeg
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Three pregnant women are waiting in the lobby of a Gynecology clinic. They're all happily knitting to pass the time when one pulls a vial from her purse and takes a pill. "What's that?" asked the other two. "Oh, just a multivitamin - good for mommy, good for little baby."

The other two smile and nod, and resume knitting. A minute later, the second woman takes a tablet of her own. "What's that?" asked the others. "Oh, just a prenatal vitamin; good for mommy, good for the baby."

They all smile and nod, and resume knitting. Finally, the third woman produces a vial and takes a tablet. "What's that?" the first two ask.

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."
 
jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
City slicker tired of the rushed lifestyle decides to take up duck hunting as a way to unwind. So being flush with money from doing nothing but the work grind gets all the best kit: Shotgun, camo, boots, vest, duck blind, duck call, even an off road vehicle.

First weekend of hunting comes along and he's on it. Drives out in the early morning hours near a secluded pond, sets everything up and patiently waits in his duck blind. As the hours roll past he is rewarded with the sound of a flock of ducks flying overhead he pokes his shot gun out, takes two shots and slightly clips a duck. It goes laboriously flapping off and the city slicker gives foot chase.

He follows the duck to a farm where it finally falls on top of a barn and slides down into a paddock. City slicker starts climbing the fence when he hears "Hey! this is my farm, what do you think you are doing?"

City slicker starts to explain that he was out hunting and shot the duck and it landed on the barn, fell down into the paddock and he's just getting his duck.

The farmer looks at him and says "Possession is 9/10ths of the law and that's my duck.

City slicker argues, farmer sticks to "It's my land, my barn, my paddock, it's my duck". City slicker continues to argue.

Finally the farmer says "Son, you may not be from around these parts, so here's how we settle disputes: We take turns kicking each other in the crotch as hard as we can till one of gives up". City slicker thinks about this, thinks about all the money he spent, and how much he want that duck and agrees.

Farmer says "Since I'm the home team I get to go first". City slicker agrees. So the farmer with this cowboy boots winds up and kick's city slicker in the crotch like he's trying to put the football through the uprights.

City slicker goes down, pale as a sheet of paper, cold sweat dripping off of him, and writhing on the ground for a good 10 minutes. After he collects himself he manages to stand up and tells the farmer it's his turn.

Farmer looks at the City slicker "Nah, don't worry about it. Duck's all yours".
 
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