Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[gmichael]

Originally Posted by BMXTRIX
I was all set for him to be a mortician.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rickster71
... you sick bastard."

I don't get it.

 

[Alex2507]

Originally Posted by BMXTRIX
I was all set for him to be a mortician.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rickster71
... you sick bastard."



I don't get it.

I was suggesting that BMXTRIX is a sick bastard for even going there but I used Rick's quote to get it said.

 

[Davemcc]

Did you hear the sound when the water truck hit the vinegar truck?























Douche.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

I don't think I laughed that hard in a long while

2nd one is ok too

 

[markw]

Lemme get this straight...

Three people in bed is a threesone, right?

Two people in bed is sometimes referred to as a twosome. Is that correct?

So, why do you think it's a compliment when someone says you're handsome?

 

[markw]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. That's animal abuse and cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?"

"I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."

 

[Rickster71]

My wife is always asking me to fix stuff around the house.
She likes to remind me if it's not done right away.
I've tried explaining to her, "I'll do it!! There is no need to keep reminding me every six months."

 

[avliner]

Hey Rick,

well said man!
From now on, I'll do the same here

 

[GoFastr]

Men Who Lack Female Supervision

 

[Midwesthonky]

Photos

Ok, those photos strike a bit close to home! Although I never shot out of the hot tub, I have shot at gophers through the bathroom window. I have parked the motorcycle in the house. I have decorated using beer cans. I have used powertools when cooking. I haven't mowed from a crane...yet. Now I have something to aspire too!

<wife is cringing> now where is that video of me using propane and oxygen to blow up gophers tunnels...

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this f@cking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f@cking BADGE!!"

 

[ACsGreens]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his
son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be
Able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me,
like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies
Are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old manand left.

That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

[ACsGreens]

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

 

[Midwesthonky]

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Oh man, I like that one. I'm ok with my MIL. It's my SIL I don't like. I went so far as to lock out all of her favorite tv channels when she visited once. I figured if she couldn't watch her favorite channels, she was more likely to move around and my couch was less likely to get broken...you can only load them so much for so long!

 

[markw]

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. A guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You're doing a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "Take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Now, if you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire ya!"

 

[GoFastr]

Toothbrushes

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.



Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

 

[markw]

The Brass Rat

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spies a statue of a huge brass rat in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier.

"Aye, you like my brass rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier. “There’s quite a story attached to that one, there is.”

"Um, yeah...how much for it?" replies our friend.

"Aye, that’ll be five bucks for the rat -- but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.

"I'll just take the rat, without the story." says the customer. The cashier is surprised but, as requested he gives the man the brass rat and takes the five dollars. He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. As he leaves the store, he notices a rat leave right behind him and starts following him.

Soon he begins to notice that a few more rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and sees the number of rats behind him is increasing exponentially. This continued until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

Now he’s getting a little worried. Afraid of this mass following him, he ran towards the sea. When he reached the end of a pier and had nowhere to go, he stops and, out of desperation, throws the brass rat into the water.

He covers his face, expecting the worst but then he hears splashes all around him. He uncovers his face and sees the rats jumping into the water to meet their watery deaths.

The man ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling and said. "So now do you want the story?"

"No," said the man, "but do you have any brass politicians?"

 

[haraldo]

3 students are very low on money and getting extremely hungry, so they wonder what to do....

1st student says: "What if we get a pig, raise it and then make a barbeque, it will be nice

2nd student: no, I think it's just to messy and dirty

3rd student: looks around the apartment for a long time an says: naaaaaaah, the pig will get used to it

 

[Rickster71]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You A$$h***! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 

[psbfan9]

Dogs

Spot, Fido, and Ralph are at a vets office. Spot says, "I ate all my humans shoes, so I'm here to get neutered" The other two dogs sigh. Ralph says, "I chewed on my humans furniture and ruined it, so I'm here to get neutered". The other two dogs sigh. Fido says, "My human was bending over to put some clothes in the dryer and I mounted her" The other two dogs sigh and ask, "So you're here to get neutered to?" Fido says, "Nope, just getting my nails clipped".