Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[psbfan9]

3 pregnant women are sitting in a doctor's office.

Jan says, "Bruce was on top. So I'm going to have a girl".

Marsha says, " I was on top of Bob. So I'm going to have a boy".

Cindy begins crying, near hysterics. The other two rush over to console Cindy and ask why she's so upset.

In between sobs Cindy says, "I'm going to have puppies!"

 

[markw]

A radio station was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to the Baamas for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out:

DJ: Hot FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi Neil, my name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an"

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave,"goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Ok, Neil. Here goes; Goan f**k yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: Hot FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Sure, Neil. Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!

 

[Adam]

I'm not trying to go political - I just thought that this was funny.

 

[Adam]

 

[ImcLoud]

Offensive convertible joke...


A young boy, a priest, and a rabbi in a small row boat, with only 2 life preservers. The boat starts to sink, the priest says "lets give the boy one life vest and rock paper scissors for the other", the Rabbi says "F#@K that kid", the priest replies, "Do you think we have time ?"


You can also turn this joke around...

A young boy, a priest, and a rabbi in a small row boat, with only 2 life preservers. The boat starts to sink, the Rabbi says "lets give the boy one life vest and rock paper scissors for the other", the Priest says "F#@K that kid", the Rabbi replies, "Out of what ?"...

Same joke, just well you get it...

 

[Adam]

I'm so outraged, I can barely type. Oh, wait...no. That's laughter.

 

[Adam]

I love the look on the dog's face.

 

[ImcLoud]

I'm so outraged, I can barely type. Oh, wait...no. That's laughter.

My 11 year old told me that one, just kidding, it was one of my customers fathers... lol

 

[Adam]

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

 

[STRONGBADF1]

I thanked you just because that was so bad...

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

I thanked you just because that was so bad...

C'mon - Admit it - you giggled

and Thanks for the rep

 

[markw]

Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

 

[GO-NAD!]

A guy had recently started a relationship with a beautiful girl. The sex was fantastic and he was really happy. Each time they finished having sex, she would lovingly fondle his testacles. After a while he grew curious and asked why she liked to do this. She replied, "Hmmmm, I think it's because I miss my own....."

 

[Midwesthonky]

I thanked you just because that was so bad...

I had to as well...that is so bad that you can't help but laugh!

 

[Irvrobinson]

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama?s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be very bright to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly #$%$ does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

 

[ImcLoud]

I farmer is sitting on his porch when a fancy crown victoria pulls up and a man in a suit gets out.

The old farmer says "what can I do for you sir?"
the man in the suit says "I am with the DEA, and Im here to take a look around and make sure you are not growing anything you're not supposed to be"

the farmer says "thats fine, just make sure you don't go behind that there barn"

the fed says"Im a god dam federal agent, you see this badge I can do what ever I want, this makes me GOD"

The farmer replays, "OK, suit your self"

5 minutes later he hears the fed screaming so he takes a peak behind the barn, and he sees his 1200lb black bull chasing the dea agent around the yard

The dea agent screams "Help me, its going to kill me"

and the farmers says "Why don't you show him your badge?"

 

[Tarub]

The Pervert

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight *** with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

 

[96cobra10101]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this f@cking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f@cking BADGE!!"

I farmer is sitting on his porch when a fancy crown victoria pulls up and a man in a suit gets out.

The old farmer says "what can I do for you sir?"
the man in the suit says "I am with the DEA, and Im here to take a look around and make sure you are not growing anything you're not supposed to be"

the farmer says "thats fine, just make sure you don't go behind that there barn"

the fed says"Im a god dam federal agent, you see this badge I can do what ever I want, this makes me GOD"

The farmer replays, "OK, suit your self"

5 minutes later he hears the fed screaming so he takes a peak behind the barn, and he sees his 1200lb black bull chasing the dea agent around the yard

The dea agent screams "Help me, its going to kill me"

and the farmers says "Why don't you show him your badge?"

Throw the f bomb in a joke and it just seems funnier.

 

[j_garcia]

Throw the f bomb in a joke and it just seems funnier.

Also funnier the first time before it has been diluted down by the interwebz.