Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[BoredSysAdmin]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

 

[Rickster71]

A cop just knocked at my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even own bikes.

 

[haraldo]

aAbout an early (1960's) AI experiment in language translation. An English-Russian translation program was written. They tested it by first translating from English to Russian, and then input the Russian, to compare the result with the original. When they tried "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak", they got back "The vodka is good, but the meat is rotten"

 

[Tarub]

Four men in a prison cell.....A psycho, a rapist, a murderer and a gay man.

The murderer says... if there was a cat in here I'd screw that thing till it died.

The rapist says...yeah i would tie it up and screw it while it cried and begged me to stop.

The psycho replies.... I would screw that **** so hard and squirt all over its face.

The gay man stood lonely in the corner with a creepy smile on his face and replies...."MEOW"

 

[Rickster71]

Hope this isn't a repeat:

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

 

[markw]

Who here is into punography?

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Abbada abbada abbada that's all, folks!

 

[markw]

Zachary;s disease - not politically correct.

So a very homely woman had an appointment for an initial consultation with Dr. Chung, a locally famous oriental doctor.

He had her strip down and he looked carefully at every part of her body.

After the examination, Dr. Chung sat back in his chair, looked the woman in the eye and said "You have Zachary's disease."

The woman said "Zachary's disease? I've never heard of Zachary's disease. What is it?"

Dr. Chung replied "Your face rook edzachary rike your ***."

 

[gmichael]

Here's a fun one.

Get a match, a screw and a piece of tape. Tape the match and the screw to your TV. Tomorrow you can tell all your friends and coworkers that you taped a screw-N-match on your TV last night.

 

[Tarub]

An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

The ol man says, "Boy you wait right there while I get my hat."

 

[ACsGreens]

Little Toe

A guy is sitting at a bar when a rather attractive woman walks up next to him. He looks at her and says "you remind me of my little toe." She replies "why, because I a small and cute?" He says, "no, because i'm probably going to bang you on my coffee table later when i'm drunk."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

“This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache,” he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, “That’s not a pig, it’s a sheep.”

He answers, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Five Reasons to Fear Canada

 

[gmichael]

If they play their cards right they could become a state someday.

 

[markw]

Tickle Me Elmo

Back in the mid nineties when, I was between marriages, I dated a blonde who used to work for Tyco Toys. She was given a pretty important job when she was hired: She was in QA for the Tickle Me Elmo doll, their biggest seller at the time. Her boss introduced her around, showed her the plant, explained her job to her, took her to her place in the production line, and turned her loose.

A few hours later the boss gets word the Tickle Me Elmo production line is all but stalled. This is not good.

The boss follows the line and finds a huge pile of Tickle Me Elmo dolls with the blonde in the middle of it. She’s got a bag of marbles, a roll of red felt, and she’s frantically wrapping a swatch of red fabric around two marbles and sewing them between Elm’s legs.

The boss, thinking about the EEOC and discrimination suits, shakes his head, does the proverbial face palm, sheds a few tears and gently, with all the control he can muster, says “Perhaps I wasn’t clear before. I think you misunderstood my instructions. I said give each Elmo TWO TEST TICKLES!.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Ad Selection WIN

 

[markw]

Adam goes hunting

Adam was excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Black Bear in the woods and shot it. Then he felt a gentle a tap on his shoulder, he turned around and was surprised to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, What’s your name, man?” Cowering in fear, he stutters out his name.

The bear says, ‘Adam, that was my cousin. According to the law of the forest, for killing my cousin I have to offer you two choices, either I maul you to death or we have rough sex with you on the bottom.’ Adam decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Adam soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, ‘That was a huge mistake Adam. That was my cousin, too. You know the two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.’ Again, Adam thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Adam finally recovered. He was angry and demanded his revenge. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Adam turned around to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.

The Polar Bear said, ‘Let's be honest with each other, Adam. You don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?’

 

[markw]

So, this guy sees this feally hot chick at a party.

He saunters over and gives her his best smile and, just to add to his coolness, cocks his eyebrows just a little, and says: "I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. What's your name"?

She smiles back and, with her flirtiest look and voice, says: "Why thank you. It's Carmen"

He's into it now! He's goin' for the gold here.

He says "Carmen. That's a beautiful and exotic name. Is it a family name?

She says "No, I just gave it to myself. It fits me perfectly."

He says "I'm sure it does. Why do you say it fits you?"

She says: "Well, My favorite things in life are cars and men. So, I just combined my favorite things and decided to call myself that. Cars, men. Put them together and you get me, Carmen.

She says: "Enough about me. What's your name?"

He says: "B.J. Titsandbeer"

 

[Rickster71]

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."






But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

 

[BMXTRIX]

..."You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

I was all set for him to be a mortician.

 

[Alex2507]

I was all set for him to be a mortician.

... you sick bastard."