Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[haraldo]

 

[its phillip]

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.

"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?"

"That, son, is the elephant's penis."

"Mummy said it was nothing."

"Your mother's spoiled, son."

 

[markw]

Halloween at the zoo.

Sorry 'bout the small size.

 

[STRONGBADF1]

Two little old ladies were sitting in front of me at church this morning– one leaned over and said “my butt is falling asleep” – the other said “I know, I heard it snore three times”.

 

[avliner]

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the LIONS cage, the child asks:

Mummy, how do LIONS make love??

And the embarrassed mother promplty says:

Don't know son, 'cause you father belongs to ROTARY!!

 

[Tarub]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.



While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife,

Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe
your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'


And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

 

[indulger]

Work Frig Notes

 

[indulger]

Southern Halloween

 

[haraldo]

 

[j_garcia]

LOL:

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable". Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector".

In Texas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And, in South Carolina, he’d be called "a deer hunting buddy".

 

[highfigh]

LOL:

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: "Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable". Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector".

In Texas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

And, in South Carolina, he’d be called "a deer hunting buddy".

I don't know if I'm correct, but I think it was Lyndsey Graham, Congressman from TX, who was asked how many guns he had. His reply- "Probably more than I need, but fewer than I want".

 

[highfigh]

I was watching a friend's YouTube clip and he commented on the Packer's loss to the New York Giants. He called it 'Discount Double Choke'.

 

[Compadre]

I heard one of the radio today.


Why does a midget laugh when he is running?

>
>

>
>

>
>

>
>

~~ Because the grass is tickeling his balls

 

[its phillip]

This isn't a joke, but it made me laugh

As a new employee of an electrical contractor I was tasked with mounting some components on a very large (for a school) air conditioning condenser. At one point I drilled a hole to mount a pipe and I nicked the copper coil. The sound of the gas escaping the condenser is a sound I will never forget. The outdoor area in which I was working became a completely foggy wasteland. I felt like an idiot. The owner of my company was called and he came out and looked at the damage. He then asked me, an employee of two weeks, if I knew what it was going to cost. I told him that I didn’t know, he replied with a figure in the thousands. After a moment of silence I said, “Well, I guess that’s the price you pay for hiring idiots.”

 

[adwilk]

Alex, after leaving Rick's place shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor to get some cake and Ice Cream and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[haraldo]

A tongue-in-cheek look at how the misalignment of IT and strategic goals may manifest

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

'The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

'You must be in Information Technology,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the woman, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.

'The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!'

 

[craig7]

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

So does that mean no orange vex?

 

[Matt34]

Congrats Whitney Houston on 11 days of sobriety.









Too soon?

 

[Adam]

Congrats Whitney Houston on 11 days of soberity!

Too soon?

Nah, it's always a good time to throw spellchecker to the wind.

 

[Matt34]

Hey, if the iPhone thinks its right then it must be!